True arrogance

Every now and then, all I see are people trying to keep up or catch up to what others are doing. Even if it's just walking, and in that I see their fear of being alone and lonely. No one ever turns back and lookout for the ones that got left behind, they're just too occupied with playing catch-up. Why? Because often I am the one behind watching everyone got so pre-occupied with that mindless game.

There's no more point in telling anything to anyone, any more. They're never quite there and will never quite get it anyway, in the light you see nothing in the pitch black; but in the utter darkness I see everything clearly in the illuminated. A friend talked about giving up and giving in and it's difference, and it seems as though I'm giving in a lot, but in fact, I gave up completely. 

Love gives birth to hate. That love can just be the love for a better good in humanity, care for a friend or even an inborn compassion you've always have in you; and hate is a gradual degradation from disappointment. Take the root of hatred out from the equation, and it'll become an unknown. It just becomes a sort of numbness.

Never have I seen such arrogance. Your day to day niceness does not count, it's in times of conflict and when your dignity is challenged, can your true personality be shown. I think I've seen enough, and gave in enough all the years. If you'd find this laughable, it's ok, regard me as a fool and walk ahead. 

...I'd choose to walk behind any day, because I grew so tired of it.

Convenience

TL:DR - Phew finally vent it out, all the weeks of silence. The easy way out of things doesn't quite seem to be the right thing. And I think I need a reset  and it's better off sometimes that I just be with myself. 

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People take the easy way out, most of the time. Why? Because it's just easy. Had a sorta misunderstanding with my housemates and the usual short tempered me reacted badly, could've given a "meh" at the end and avoided all of those but lesson's learnt. Another incident for myself to serve as a reminder to keep my temper at check. With that in mind, I did not choose reconciliation because I totally knew where it's heading.

You, whom is related, may or may not read this but here it is. Would you have gone "Hehe too late, could've told you exactly where was it but was too lazy to =X"? Chances are, you will not. Judging from the situation and your ego. All along I've endured your crankiness, if you've spoken and the listener does not understood, it's his damn ears' fault. If you heard something and couldn't make up what it is, it's his speech.  "It's never my fault", and mind you, a friend of yours recently complemented you in front of me and how he's appreciative of your humbleness, I smiled but deep down I respectfully disagree. I personally watched you, countless times interacting with your close friends and for a lack of better word, humiliate them. Pointing into a whole rack full of plates and dishes and tell him "pass that dish" and then followed by "that dish lar!" for several times does not help, and you carried on by condescending his intelligence for not being able to make out WHICH particular plate you're referring in that whole rack packed with plates of different size and colour.

I still remember the first huge argument when we first came Australia, when I took the initiative to approach you and apologize, you were totally bossy. You just stood your ground so firmly and not wanting to give in at all, even the girl whom I claimed her to be "always sounded so self-righteous" seek reconciliation and have a discussion about it on equal ground. Guess what? The all of us CONVENIENTLY forsaken her because it's just easier. Is it not true? If I had to point one huge mistake I've made this year, it has got to be taking the easy way out, and I am deeply disappointed in myself for that too for being so weak.

There and then, I've decided and told myself to always take the hard way, the tough way and the way that I will walk alongside with my principles. I will stand on my principles or I WILL NOT STAND AT ALL.

Convenience is always the easy way out, I did not hold it against you when you were tired yesterday and couldn't make it to our friend's convocation. It's just utter disappointment knowing that you can't even sacrifice a small period of time to see a friend off, for as long as you know. I know and I understand it's just downright easier, you see, it's always easier. Yes, I did went there and have a brief 10 minutes with him, even if he doesn't care whether I'm there or not, I'm just probably a chess piece in his grand scheme of things to make him look popular. So what? He's been kind to me, and what kind of person am I going to be if I can't even make such a small sacrifice? Yes he was so busy entertaining everyone that I'd really look like an idiot standing around on my own, but think about this - what if everyone thought of the same thing? No one would go for anything, again, because it was easier. I've seen the look in my friends' face, even just for a brief moment when I'm the only one there for him and everyone else wasn't.

I've got no idea how much longer you want to test your friend's patience, because sometimes I just feel exhausted interacting with you.

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Speaking of taking an easy way out and forsaking a friend, do you remember there's a certain someone, which you'd never want to invite when you have a Christmas open house? Can I remind you right here that you disliked him because he made open, hurtful comments about you? How often now then, do you feel hurt hearing people making hurtful comments about you right in your face? Have you ever wondered why I'm so exceptionally quiet these days and the conversations I've made with you grown lesser and lesser? Because the backlash of all the mean things I have done to people is starting to kick into my guilt department and I'm grown sick of being that person. I know myself, and I know I'm quite a jerk and asshole to begin with, and I also know that I can't withhold all the hurtful comments if I'd respond to what you say sometimes, hence I chose silence. It is better off that way right isnt it? Saves all the trouble, and you could just continue to be happy with whoever you hang out with. My question is, as a friend for nearly 5 years, are you truly happy with regards to my first question?

Again, it's just easier if you could just take it in and dissolve it, of which I have to give it to you for having a significantly bigger heart and tolerance than I do, and shame on me even being a guy for that matter. But I do have to point out, amidst all the company you enjoy now, do things really work out to be easier now? You had to endure your kryptonite last time and be all friends with her, just so things could take the easy way out. How much pain did you endure eventually? If you could've taken the hard way and have a face-off with her and settle the scores with her, would you have preferred the outcome than how it is now? I tagged along with everyone else I must admit, and I admit it was all too easy to just follow the majority regardless of the justification of it. I too, admit that I was a spineless coward for not stepping up and solve things the way they should be. Hence, the decision. No one was there when everyone wrongfully accused me of so many things last year because of her, and everyone just played her game because it was easier. Now it seems I get to return the favor, but I am no where feeling proud of it, disgusted I would say, even if it's with regards to someone which has brought me pain before. That's just now how things should be, that's not how we treat people, that's not how we take advantage of situations.

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Alongside came along with so many more people who, sorry, for a lack of a better word - fallen. You know who I'm referring to if I'd mention shades and sunglasses. Yes, you. I don't remember whether you've said it personally before but I'm pretty darn sure you disagree with people who breaks up promises at the last minute. I stood as a bystander and watched how you changed all these while. Your occasional nocturnal activities is fine, because I was once a night animal too. Not until you started "FFK", for several times. Which was not fine. I don't care what your reasons are but you don't do such things. Yes, we all slack all the time for not doing work and get worked up at the last possible minute, but that's a price we should pay - and not something our friend should pay for us after we've made that promise. Prove me wrong, if you just woke up that morning and figured "ah, he wouldn't mind" and took the easy out way. To you, you'd think it wouldn't matter because he already have so much company already, and to him, it might or might not even bother him. Again, you might feel like a tool if you have gone there and didn't do much, imagine if the same would happen to you and no one turns up for your event. You'd probably say it would never happen, or state that even if you take the tough way, no one will ever do the same for you because everyone else is just as much of an asshole. Would you be content with yourself even if that's the fact, that you take the easy way out and everyone do what's convenient for themselves? Does it feel right?

I would be rendered speechless if you'd say you're fine with that.

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Oh, and you. I don't know when I started to stop talking to you, maybe there was just nothing to talk about. To you, everyone else was just weird and you're just the absolute norm. Don't even try to deny the fact that how you've so carelessly hurled those "you're weird" comments at me. You just have the privilege of the so called "normal", even then, the only constant between everyone is the difference.

All in all I'm not saying I am better, and I didn't point out your shits so I could cover mine. I'm probably worse off than a suicidal dude, a pesky fella or a mean girl. There are courage and strength in him that I could never have; In him there's the ability of forgiveness the size of Texas, and all the good qualities in him that I would never have and I'm so angry, and SO jealous because there are so much promise in him that if he would just be a little bit more hard-working he could be so much better than me; and in her lies the courage to be truthful to herself and never back down, even in the face of utter loneliness.

I'm just tired with a lot of people because they stopped trying, and if I hadn't make such a big deal out of it, everything would seem pretty normal. I know right, what's the big fuss about?! It's just how people are, just deal with it, it's not like you don't do it, everyone does it. If you're a Christian, shame on you. Please stop calling yourself one. If you're going to use it as a shield to commit these things and then blatantly ask for forgiveness after that, you're getting it wrong. What about the ever on-going self improving journey that all of us should embark on?

I'm just tired, maybe how people treat me is not wrong, maybe how I react to them is not wrong as well, it's also easier to think that they're wrong and then move on and pretend nothing ever happened. Like I said, it's just always EASIER.

I just don't feel easy when you condescend me, or when you always so quick to call it their fault. I don't like to hang around you, although I have good reason to disagree with what you do but it's not my life, and I need time to correct that shit part of myself because it reminds me of the many lives that I've single handedly ruined. I don't appreciate that stereotypical attitude, it's like the topic of dining alone in a public restaurant, you'll never understand and empathy will never quite get you there, but at least make an effort to withhold those comments. As much as people's attitude annoys me, it's not like my constant vulgarities, my immense unreasonable hate on people, my sarcastic and provoking tone of speech or my short temperateness doesn't annoy people as much.

Hence I've decided to do it the tough way. I sure hope I could right the wrong, and I know loneliness is quite the harsh medicine for me but it's the push I need. Things just need to be quiet, just like my social studies teacher in the past, my most respect teacher Mrs. Lee said "A wise old owl lived in a oak; the more he saw the less he spoke; the less he spoke the more he heard; the more he heard the more he learns". Thank you, I understand what you meant by silence is golden now.

Down on my knees

...and I get back up again. What else would it be but Life, if I just give up and lay dead there?

Every day is a unique journey carved by the hands of God, even if its that one day where a heavy branch also fell right atop of you. First thing is my mind was, "holy shit" and probably the first thing I said which caught the attention of a Caucasian nearby. Then it translates to sheer amusement of the coincidence, and you'd be a weirdo if you didn't, for a second thought of what would've happened if you were 4 foot steps faster.

Maybe the message to me was to take my life steadily, step by step and uncover the answers I seek. 

Nothing much recently, pretty much done with the drafts required for tomorrow's Design Project interview. Watched a hilarious lip-sync of Twilight, introduced to a tumblr site which blogs about our design project, probably one the girls in our cohort. Gotta hand it to her for finding all the animated GIF pictures with regards to her everyday life with Design Project, I could totally relate 99.99% of myself to her. Friend had a birthday last Saturday, yesterday. Had a good day spent in karaoke which I bumped into a friend which I would least expect to see, and was working there as part-time. Dinner at Beergarden with some nice mussels, chips and beer. Happy Birthday to you mate. 

Guess that's all, bed's all calling out to me already. 

Back to Black

If you life were a greyscale movie yesterday, 

would you still find it as tasteful as today's life?

Yes, I thought. Why, I wondered. I don't even know what this question means, somehow it just occurs to me and I don't even quite know what actually it means or whether do my thoughts answers the question. 

Yesterday I took the wrong bus home, gotta imagine that face of mine when the bus took a left turn as supposed to the right turn after exiting the bus interchange. Oh wells I thought, and took a long walk. 

Thing's turning again, imagine your life's like a Earth globe on your working desk. I've spun it once and the world shifts, it's turning again. I wouldn't exactly say I lived a different life than others, but I'd say I learnt to see things from a very different perspective. It's both a blessing and a curse, when the first you see in everything is the frailty of it, and the things that follows. 

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Black is my colour. Some may claim it to be boring, dull and emotional. That is because they stand at the bright side and stared down into an alley. When you belong to the shadow, you see everything that is happening. Silence is golden, I think I'm starting to see the truth in it. Black is the nothingness, at the same time it's everything. 

I guess to answer the question, which I've just figured a second ago. That is, it's like silence is golden, you don't feel it as much unless you're stripped of your privilege and left handicapped. Without the colours, you're no longer feeling it with your eyes anymore. You. Feel. It. Now, completely. Heh I don't even know what am I saying, it's just difficult to put it in words but yeah.

If I'd be a renowned artists and display a huge panel of black titled "Feel".

The point is not what you see in that black picture,

it's what that is going on in the back of your mind when you stopped and stared into nothingness.

Would you still give it to the artist for what he has done?

T-Shirt

Took me a good 2 months to realised that I've left this shirt behind in Sydney. Did I mention how much I liked this t-shirt, and that I only hand wash this piece of clothing and never have it inside the washing machine? Now it's gone, just like that. 

There's something pretty special about this t-shirt as well and what's written on it, "This is my love story. It's true" and I feel pretty attached to those lines. Things like these are sometimes irreplaceable. Sigh. This post is published in memory of it. 

Mind

For all the things that you have done...
For all the things that you want to get it done...

For the all the thing that you've heard,
and seen...

For all the things that you'd think you have,
and also the things that are clearly out of your reach...

For all the things you've ever wanted and cried for,
that you've cut out a piece of you because you're afraid of it's cancerous effect...

For all the blessings that you've have attained,
and also the cursed parts of you that still haunts you...

For all the feelings and silent screams, for all the comforts and enlightenment..

I'm just a soul, and I could really use some silence. 

Comma

Been a while since I last posted, and so much has happened. Guess I'm just getting a little lazy to record every moment of my life, sometimes I just let them pass by like that. Just like that. I guess I know what I want in my life, and nothing else seems to matter. 

Anyways thinking back, what came right after my last entry has got to be the release of my results. Obtained a high distinction for my FYP research project, and also HD and a D for the remaining two units. Joy, in it's purest form. 

Next up has got to be the Sydney trip. Total of 6 days and 5 nights, totally unheard of and probably the only fella around who could've spent so much time in Sydney. Thanks to the girls who did all the planning ( while I contributed by being a full time photographer ), I had a very fulfilling time in Sydney, to both my soul and my gut. 

Otherwise, holiday seems to be a breeze and before anyone realises it, it's over. Class resumed and we're tied up a lot by our FYP Design Project. I have meetings with my group mates 3 times a week and the workload is starting to take it's toll on my stamina and spiritual being. No matter how hard we've work, we're still behind schedule and trust me, we've been working. To think that I have a test tomorrow and I just spent a good 2-3 hours this afternoon doing research just bores me out for the rest of the night. Don't even get me begin with how I'm already stressed on the first week of the semester, and the unending occurrence of pimples on my face, due to all the toxic build-up as a result of my stress level. 

My nerdy life, on the other hand, took quite a huge stumble. Diablo 3 still turns out to be a dissapointment and still remains to be incorrigible. Bought Guild Wars 2 though, and placing a good amount of faith in it as well. Otherwise, everything else seems fine. There are of course bigger mysteries in life and unanswered questions, and there are also things that will never be in your reach - so who am I to be so greedy as to wanting everything in life?

Planning to buy a Crumpler bag after much withholding, had my current bag since first year of university and the base of it has been torn ages ago, now that my strap's sewing is faulty, I think I have a good reason to change. My pencil case too, it's still that bloody Body Glove branded one that I've been using since high school. I don't spend much on others, I usually spend on things that feeds my soul - food.  That could be one, but as much as I try to understand why people spend excessively on materialistic things, I still don't quite agree that materialism could actually nourish your spiritual being. All the things that  are sitting around you, piling endlessly with sky's the limit makes me wonder...

...do you actually want those things to fill up the corners of your vision, so you could lie to yourself that you HAVE things and thinking that they could fill up the voids in your heart, instead of facing the harsh truth that - we, human, in fact cannot have everything and some things are just not meant to be ours, and we just have to live with it?

Always makes me wonder what are the exact thoughts at the back of their minds when people constantly have to buy and own stuffs. That and of recent months, I could hear my thoughts more clearly and louder, and I could make up what I really want in my life more. People might mistook me for the change in attitude, but a lot of my actions just dictates that I just don't care anymore, and for all the things that hurts or displeases me, staying away seems to be the better off solution - because my mind's really tired.