what if

Don't hate me for this, I know its totally inappropriate and I swear I usually would never prompt this question in normal day to day speech, hell, I've never asked that thus far. Just curious, if under any unfortunate circumstance you were at the wrong place at the wrong time and got into an accident and was at the verge of dying - 

Can you still breathe your last breaths peacefully and cherished all that you've lived and leave with no regrets?

I wish I could. Maybe its the thought of that allowed me to be able to cherish my every waking moment. Maybe not every single one of it, at least the most of it?

Holiday's a really good time though, takes your mind off the materialistic in a good way. Had enough time to think thoroughly through things etc. 

( Digress. I got my first High Distinction grade this semester! Whilst everyone had four HDs every semester, I got my first after entering university. Doesn't change the fact that my average marks improved and I got my first HD which is such---a---delight! )

Unfortunately a friend amongst us still struggle with issues of friends and loneliness. I always seemed to be his last resort before he takes the final straw. Although in addition to couple more adversaries, I still think they are broke even with the age he is now. God did give me ample signs to reach out to this lost soul and give him a helping hand, but in all honesty I have no idea what to do either. Time and time again I have failed to send the message that "I couldn't help you if you don't help yourself" out across to him. All this sounded all too familiar anyways, and it's also not like I have not been through solitary before. Simply put it this way, if you could not handle solitary, it just simply goes to mean you dislike being with yourself. As much as I would want to help, sorry there is only so far I could go. I do not stand on firm solid grounds, I have issues of my own as well. 

In the midst of all the ruckus and talking I did also mention that we shouldn't all be too stubborn sometimes. Sometimes, some things are just not meant to be ours. After which I thought to myself again about what I said and was reminded by what you said. You said if we love someone, we shouldn't be cowardly and we should think about how we can give them better than what they have.

What if...

I really think I couldn't afford to give anything better? Isn't this the time for me to just back off? As much as I want it, and I want it so very dearly, and because I want it so dearly I could never fathom myself losing it even further. For this I will have to respectfully disagree with you. Sorry but this is really not mine's to take, and I choose to back off because it is never love to snatch, it is selfishness to rob something and have it turn to ash in your hands. 

Besides, it is foolish for me to dwell on issues out of my reach. I am still thankful for having friends which I could just hang out, like, really just hang out. There still beautiful things around other than the ones I truly cared for, if only I choose to take my eyes off for a while. Which I did, and I was glad.

( At Mt Dandenong, yesterday )

1km

unlocked a new perk today.

On the side note, I did manage to reach that target today. 40 laps was boring much. 

Holiday has pretty relaxing thus far, and boy, time sure flies by fast. Hadnt been doing much this holiday, which doesn't really bother because its what holiday is to me.

Watched Kung Fu Panda 2. Very good movie, and better than the first. Whereas for Transformer 3 : Dark of the Moon, I found it a tad disappointing after finishing the movie in the cinema. Don't exactly know why am I feeling disappointing after the movie though, but I sure know I was not thrilled. 

Went to city and visited one of the gardens as well in this winter.

(Behold, the Temple of Winds........right)

And as of recent we had my our favorite fish and chips in the city followed by a visit into Melbourne Museum. Guess what? Its free access for students. Awesome much.

That being said, I still have a lot of items on my to-do-list to complete, of which nearly more than half of them are official matters concerning my academic studies and internship. Phfffft. Nevertheless, this holiday has been pretty good to me =)

That's all, and this is Lester, logging out.

愚人的國度

Heard this song today and felt a strong sense of attachment to the lyrics and the music.

孙燕姿 - 愚人的国度

Stefanie Sun - A fool's land

爱是愚人的国度 ( Love is a fool's land )
看我们演的好辛苦 ( Look at us performing so hard )
是你所谓的领悟 ( Its what you meant by enlightenment )
我不懂 我不哭 ( I don't understand , I don't weep )

看悲欢喜怒每一步 ( Look at life's every step of joy and sorrow )
是疲惫还是依赖的束缚 ( Is that tiresome or is that dependence's confinement? )
来你能不能再重复 ( Let's see whether you could repeat that again )
让我懂 让我哭 ( Let me understand, let me weep )

再让时间停住 ( So let time stop again )
把自己看清楚 ( so I can take a good look at myself )
不必再说假如 ( and needless to say "what if" again )
我穿过 一地荒芜 ( I crossed a stretch of wastelands )
幸福 不能碰触 ( Happiness, is immaterial )

爱是愚人的国度 ( Love is a fool's land )
不能自拔 不懂退出 ( Cannot extricate, not knowing how to back out )
我们都回不去最初 ( and the all of us could no longer return to the begining )
曾美丽 但还是不满足 ( once beautiful, still unsatisfying )
爱是自娱愚人演出 ( Love is for the self-entertainment performance of a fool )
答案清楚 才能谢幕 ( Answers have to be clear, for the curtain call to take place )
剧情 是笑 是哭 ( Drama, is the story of laughter, the story of tears )

 

 爱是愚人的国度 ( Love is a fool's land )
看我们演的好辛苦 ( Look at us performing so hard )
是你所谓的领悟 ( Its what you meant by enlightenment )
我不懂 我不哭 ( I don't understand , I don't weep )

 

看悲欢喜怒每一步 ( Look at life's every step of joy and sorrow )
是疲惫还是依赖的束缚 ( Is that tiresome or is that dependence's confinement? )
来你能不能再重复 ( Let's see whether you could repeat that again )
让我懂 让我哭 ( Let me understand, let me weep )

 

再让时间停住 ( So let time stop again )
把自己看清楚 ( so I can take a good look at myself )
不必再说假如 ( and needless to say "what if" again )
我穿过 一地荒芜 ( I crossed a stretch of wastelands )
幸福 不能碰触 ( Happiness, is immaterial )

 

爱是愚人的国度 ( Love is a fool's land )
不能自拔 不懂退出 ( Cannot extricate, not knowing how to back out )
我们都回不去最初 ( and the all of us could no longer return to the begining )
曾美丽 但还是不满足 ( once beautiful, still unsatisfying )
爱是自娱愚人演出 ( Love is for the self-entertainment performance of a fool )
答案清楚 才能谢幕 ( Answers have to be clear, for the curtain call to take place )
剧情 是笑 是哭 ( Drama, is the story of laughter, the story of tears )

我们都回不去最初 ( The all of us could no longer return to the beginning )
怎么爱　还是不满足 ( No matter how we love, it is still unsatisfying )
爱是自娱愚人演出 ( Love is for the self-entertainment performance of a fool )
答案清楚　才能谢幕 ( Answers have to be clear, for the curtain call to take place )
结局　是笑　是哭 ( Ending, is the story of laughter, the story of tears )

recluse

In times of stress, I'd always hope I could retreat to places as such. I don't think I'm anywhere near suicidal, just that everytime when I'm stressed with the schoolwork and all sorts of things that us human trouble ourselves with, I just wish I could go places as such alone...

...and in recluse. So the sheer silence in the air and the magnificent view of mother nature could remind me how tiny a being I am. How insignificant I can be. That always has a very strong positive impact on me, always reminds me of the beauty of life, and how real life attachments are really nothing but a bunch of nuisance that we human choose to attach ourselves with. 

There is nothing I cannot overcome in my life, not until my very last breath. Even then, I would have no regrets living thus far.

Only human

Sometimes, no matter how tough we are and how seasoned are we in our life experiences, we would always still wind down to being a baby all over again.

We are still stuffed toys who yearns for love, and comforting hugs.

Sometimes, a hug and "it's ok" is all I need.

Eye 2 Eye, Cheek 2 Cheek

Easter Break been great, had some good rest, and enjoyed those days doing absolutely nothing.

Of all the days, three days were most eventful. Great Ocean Road and the visit to Twelve Apostle Road was the first to name.

Next is the visit to Healesville Sactuary. Just a look around the countryside zoo and some relaxing.

Lastly the weekend before classes resumed, we went to Carlton Gardens in the city, followed by Dim Sum for breakfast, a walk around Queen Victoria Market and lastly karaoke.

Time sure flies for holiday, and now we're back to our busy schedules and assignments and tests. A month left to finals and its the completion of yet another semester. Life's like that I guess, I'm thankful though to have a normal life as such, living and doing what everyone else is doing. Although there is a missing puzzle, I know very well what it is, just not within my reach. Actually its within my reach, but I guess I can't have everything.

Guess that's it for this entry, laters.

me you us you me

Sometimes when I see people trying so hard in their lives, it really makes me wonder about myself sometimes. People do think that I'm a pessimist and an asshole at times, but who are they to blame me for that when they haven't seen the world through my eyes?

Say I'm stubborn but who are you to say that when you're one who is reluctant to make a change and insist that I change? I m just tired, very tired of taking a step back all the time. I'm just asking myself the question, why can't it be someone else for this one time who is going to take a step back?

Say I'm a pessimist and always view things as a half empty glass instead of a glass half filled with water. But who are you to say I'm full with so much negativity when you view my life with such little optimism? It's not my fault that I kept seeing things, and perhaps at times seen too much when I'm not suppose to and comprehended things that way ever since. 

Say I give up too easily on things and did not have enough faith in matters. But who are you to say I'm not putting enough effort when you were not there at all when I toke a tumble and cried for help? Wounds do heal after they have bled enough, but who in the right mind would want to take another tumble knowing it is bound to happen. Call me that, but I stand my ground firm because I've always been getting back on my feet on my own and I know that a lot of times, no one really cares. Don't pretend like you care.

Say I am holding my feelings and thoughts and secrets in too much and straining myself. But who are you to intrude my personal space and thread on my ground? Ugly secrets are best keep behind closed doors, because you are naive enough to think that the world is kind; because you have never once let loose a monstrosity of yours and suffer under the condescending glare of others. I do not see the point in you trying to know me, when all I have been trying to do all these while is just to keep myself safe. 

Say I am a bully and a meanie, but who are you to say that when you are born with perfect limbs and minds and not putting enough effort to improve yourself? I did not born ravenous like a predator hunting down others, I just simply could not comprehend why are you such a crybaby. I have seen, worked and get in touch with kids born with fates much worst than us - intellectually challenged ones, ones that lost everything from a natural disaster. I can see in their eyes that they are trying much harder than any of us right here, and they long for a fulfilling life like ours. Then there you are, a two decade old baby sitting on the floor crying over spilled milk and wait for people to help you get back on your feet. You clearly have not seen much tears that bled in the hearts of people which conveys through the windows of their souls.

I don't live unhappily day after another, I still live a fulfilling life with conflicts, laughters, stresses and resolves. Yes certain aspects of me may seem depressing and sad and loveless to you, but who are you to say that when you did not embrace and love me truthfully as an individual?

...and I gotta finish this entry because I have a life to live and myself to love. =)