Nothing in everything; everything in nothing.

So I've got my job promotion, bonus and salary increment.
Congratulations to myself. 

And for a fraction of a second, I was delighted.
Then the parasitic growth of an ill feeling went on an uncontrollable rampage. I won't even say its a thought, because this feeling is far from maturity, far from materializing into a thought. 

Perhaps it's the turn of events on that day. 
I would say it's never quite in my repertoire to repeat the same mistake twice - but a mistake indeed for me to let loose of my anger again.
It haunts me because of my lack of self-control, and because it's not even the person's fault to begin with - and yet im letting loose of my rage, because being around that person equates to my comfort zone.

I mean, what sort of logic is that? 
It bothers me because of how these responses from me are naturally occurring, and in the book of logic (mind you, not conforming to the society's, but my very own one) it made no sense whatsoever!

Then again, as I live past each day it's starting to unravel - am I just too used to rejecting people who cares for me? Perhaps too much past experiences in getting hurt - like the dim glow from the latent heat of a burning charcoal, tame, but re-ignites on gusts of wind - the yes, and the no - it's all too tiring. 
It's really heartwarming to know that someone out there cares for you, but I'd always wind up being suspicious. Deep down, I too know, and no denying, I yearn for it. 
Ultimately I'd figure it would just be my fear, eventually I would, or already am caving in to it. 

Sometimes, you'd wish you could just keep telling the person "Sorry"

Because of insecurities, it made forgiveness looked all like a facade

And the looping guilt 

makes you really think you'd need some help sometimes.

Furthermore to that, every time I GET something, it leaves me behind with the feeling that I HAVE nothing at all. It's always in nothingness I can see clearly, the things that I truly value and possess. 

It's almost like as though I blame myself for swaying off and losing touch of who I really am, whenever I get things, distractions, temptations.

Sometimes an unorthodox feeling of self-loathe surges. Short-lived, perhaps for a few days - but still, you know. 

I sure am still learning about myself.

The bottom of things

Watched Interstellar again.

And it struck me even harder this time. 

That knowledge belittles us, and how sickening the society is to me.

People stopped seeking the full truth, they've based their facts off some scraps shared on whatsapp, no basis, no reference, no facts.

People abused the knowledge, isnt it suppose to make us more humble?

They're always so caught up with materialism. Money, and money.

What happened to the hunger of wanting to know more, the excitement of not knowing something, and the satisfaction when you've uncovered something new?

It's a rare scene for people to actually mouth the words "I don't know, but can you teach me?".

It either silence altogether, and if it ever did advance past "I don't know", it stops at denial, excuses, and a abandonment of responsibility. 

I'm an engineer myself, and I didn't play with Lego or Lasy at a younger age for no reason, and I surely did not made up my mind when I was 16 or 17 to be an engineer on a whim. 

Pity on those who laughed at me for actually admitting I'd like the hard engineering work. You have no passion, and that's why you lack a core self-sustaining soul nourishing tonic, which leads to your hunger to possess things. THINGs that you've so blatantly used and monstrously lie to yourself that it actually matters. Bring it to your sleep each night, bring it to your deathbed, and see how it would pan out at the last moment before you flick the switch to your life. 

There's so much more it is to the matter around us, and yet we dwell in the politics and religions, and behind that veil, lies money, the master puppeteer.

I'm not ignorant, I'm just selective in the knowledge I'd like to gain.

I'm not an ingrate to the silver spoon I'm born with, I'm just disgusted in what it made people to be.

I'm not an anti-social, I'm just more capable of sustaining all that there is to my being by myself, understanding that them approvals has nothing to do with me, and for me to live a life without regrets, and I've always managed to - the decisions must come from myself. 

Birthday - 26

Woke up. Brush up. Freshen up. Eat up. Dress up. Grab my bag, hop into my car, speed through the highways, parked my car, and settle myself in my office cubicle.
Just another day

I'm glad that I have a purpose, I have a commitment. 
Glad that I don't dread the Mondays, glad that I don't dread walking into my office at all.

Lucky to have the allowance to enjoy the ignorance, for it is a bliss.
Lucky too, to be able to live a life parallel to all the disasters and also have the blessing of peace & calm.

Astounded by the fact that I could make decisions in the past year, by myself and for myself only.
Astounding also, to be bold enough to trust my heart and follow the path I genuinely desired. 

Rain just started. A pluviophile I am. 

Yes, lost some friends, but came to gain more of a "me" in myself.

Yes, those were tough times when I was young, but it gave me more courage to love myself even if it means neglecting the need to please some one else. 

Loneliness, is the path of a triumphant warrior. Least that is what I truly believe.

Gone were too, where the lonely days could consume me. I've defeated one of many's most common enemy, for it shall never drive me into desperation ever. 

Wealthy enough to be able to spend on the things that could be of great addition to my life.

Meantime cherished the fact I could discover wealth in such vast, sustaining quantity, and not from the hollows of materialism. 

That was my year of 25 years old.

No checklist, no "10 things to do before you're 30 years old", no excuses made to myself.

Listened to no one but myself, for I am accountable for myself only, and all that I am, or could achieve is all because I followed my heart. 

...and that, is more than any wealth in the world. 

I have myself. 

Reset

Today is a day that nothing else really matters.

The centre of my universe, is me. 
and it'll never spell "me" unless I have the whole world to myself, \
or rather when the world leaves me alone with my world. 

You see, the world and how it should be is all but subjective to the eyes of the individual. 

I get to reset and recalibrate myself.

Untainted

This is the thing about my world.

The more I see, the more temper I've got.
It's the hate that never subsides. 
Anger, in its purest form and so untainted.

That is the thing when I opened my eyes, it won't shut back.

Eternity

This very moment.
I carry a void in me.
Nothingness is all that there is.

Despite that I find calmness, even a strange sense of security.

...and in this moment, I am eternal.

Repositioning

Thanks for reminding me what is important - that is everything else but this.
This lie and facade.

It is very tiring.