I dont know really what to say here, i mean its my blog its a place i can vent my anger and let my heart's content out, but on one hand i really cant. I mean not all things can be published on the net and to a large extend i literally have to check and re-read my entries to ensure no dark spooky godamn fucking secrets leaked.
Question : Why do you have so many secret?
This is a typical blog where my thoughts are carried away by all other thoughts. Secrets are things, memories and notes that are bext not to be known by the secrets and they belong to you only. Why do people have so many secrets nowadays? Is it because of the stereotyping environment they're living in? Or just simply because they cannot accept who themselves are and hence refuses to share it to their surrounding people?
Its like
1) I was once a convict but completed my sentence
2) I am a pokemon fan despite my age
First one is of course more towards the environmental factor, another is definitely more towards self-inflicting. I personally can't tell the diffrence, but i'm just hoping it gives you a clearer idea. I'm not a philosopher really, i'm just a godamn science students who had to deal with numbers and algebras all day everyday. Like today, i cant believe i was sitting down in library doing math, and there were literally 6+ pages of math tutorials done all over my table. Came a business student sitting next to me ( all because he was carrying a textbook titled "Business" something ), and i can feel his...pitiness for people like me. Like, "thank god i didnt commit myself into doing such bullcrap like this engineering student here".
Whatever. I honestly have no idea what am i talking, and where this is going, and i seriously think you're just reading them all BRIEFLY, see maybe you would jump all the lines just to reach the word "BRIEFLY" because they were big enough to catch your attention. See, you're jumping lines. Fair enough, your eyes are yours to control. Unlike those girls which are always so good at making blogs so ever attractive, they just have the neverending pictures and the font colours etc. See, im not exaclty envious of that, nor would i want to be in their position, by making my blog all colourful, but its a thing i feel somehow inferior towards.
You do right? feeling inferior to things surrounding you all the time. I've gotta say i felt ugly most of the time, im not kidding. Dont come telling me i LOOK ok, that aint helping me at all. Only once in a bluemoon only would i feel good looking or maybe by a more rare chance, handsome. I mean sometimes i do feel that in front of my room's mirror, but you can just feel this other doppelganger telling you, you're not! Its a matter of self-confidence, and also a matter of not getting overconfident. Or else you would end up as a narcissist.
"He's better in math than me"
"His body is much fit than mines"
"His facial features are more naturally engineered than mines"
"His height is just nice"
I just noticed they are all outlook appearance, well most of them are. Why? Because thats what you see FIRST! And i swear most people wouldnt dare to approach me most of the time, and i think its because i usually dont look at people, i gaze into people. To top it off, im always without a pair of glass and sometimes i can give quite powerful stares. Face problems, whatever, i'm trying my best to smile at waitresses or people or whoever already.
I'm sitting down here talking bullcrap, and not studying. Typical thing a teenager would say. "Why do we have so much workload and so much to study?" A question pondered in our exponentially growing brain since childhood. Study was a fun thing for me, i used to request for more homeworks back when i wa sin kintergarden, and mind you, i'd always secure the first place for every single tests back those days. Untill the days in primary school, then i started to hate study. I despised it so much that my grades eventually started dropping. it was fun, then a pain, then a duty. It is a duty for us now, don't you feel it? You no longer say NO to studying for exams, you just do it after a while due to guilt and duty and responsibility as a child.
Just a side note, i still felt right doing what i did couple years back. I was on a scholarship, and i moved to GCE A lvls in singapore after my long 3 years of O lvls, and then all of a sudden i just decided to terminate my scholarship, and made my parents paid for a sum of money that even YOUR parents would take weeks to think about it. I got a feeling they were already waiting for that one signal i'm going to give, and it was just a matter of time.
It was just at that very moment back on the hostel that time, i know i was very very unhappy. Just plain unhappy, as in you could not find joy in anything you do. Trust me it was not because i was very naive or narrow-minded, it was because the environment i lived in, is just against of what made who i am. So i heard the next voice asking me is this what i want? To grow up like so unhappily? And to have my soul scarred and hurt and i would grow to be the next breed of "sad people"? And that i would breathe pain and misery into other people's life? And make them carry on with this unending vicious cycle?
NO!
I want to be happy. I want my soul back, i want to live a lively life! I want control of my life back! It is my life, and I AM the one in control! I dont give a shit what others said about Singapore is a good educational place, and a easier route to success. NO! I want something in my life, i would do it MY WAY! I don't give a shit what you're telling me, i will do what i believe! I will find a mean to suceed in life, and i can do it without your fucking help! Trust me, its a lot of...i don't know what word to use. I just mean it, like literally MEAN it when i say that. Like me wanting my life back.
Thats a lot of things said. I really paused after the last sentence, went to my kitchen for a drink, and finally let go a long sigh. Like, at times i just need a pair of ears to just listen to me, although in this context i had it typed out, but i would really want something to be let out. Its a pressure cooker inside really, and its bad to keep things. Like i said, this blog entry is not like a planned eassay to talk about a particular society issue, its just plainly a guy's place to vent his anger etc.
I watched the movie "He's just not that into you" just now tho. Nice movie really. Nothing much really.
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