Congratulations to myself.
And for a fraction of a second, I was delighted.
Then the parasitic growth of an ill feeling went on an uncontrollable rampage. I won't even say its a thought, because this feeling is far from maturity, far from materializing into a thought.
Perhaps it's the turn of events on that day.
I would say it's never quite in my repertoire to repeat the same mistake twice - but a mistake indeed for me to let loose of my anger again.
It haunts me because of my lack of self-control, and because it's not even the person's fault to begin with - and yet im letting loose of my rage, because being around that person equates to my comfort zone.
I mean, what sort of logic is that?
It bothers me because of how these responses from me are naturally occurring, and in the book of logic (mind you, not conforming to the society's, but my very own one) it made no sense whatsoever!
Then again, as I live past each day it's starting to unravel - am I just too used to rejecting people who cares for me? Perhaps too much past experiences in getting hurt - like the dim glow from the latent heat of a burning charcoal, tame, but re-ignites on gusts of wind - the yes, and the no - it's all too tiring.
It's really heartwarming to know that someone out there cares for you, but I'd always wind up being suspicious. Deep down, I too know, and no denying, I yearn for it.
Ultimately I'd figure it would just be my fear, eventually I would, or already am caving in to it.
Sometimes, you'd wish you could just keep telling the person "Sorry"
Because of insecurities, it made forgiveness looked all like a facade
And the looping guilt
makes you really think you'd need some help sometimes.
Furthermore to that, every time I GET something, it leaves me behind with the feeling that I HAVE nothing at all. It's always in nothingness I can see clearly, the things that I truly value and possess.
It's almost like as though I blame myself for swaying off and losing touch of who I really am, whenever I get things, distractions, temptations.
Sometimes an unorthodox feeling of self-loathe surges. Short-lived, perhaps for a few days - but still, you know.
I sure am still learning about myself.
