I'm not even going to lie, I'm actually feeling ashamed and pressured for not having a job yet.
On top of that and the rest of my life's issues, I visited Mid Valley's career fair today and there are occasions which employers cast their condescending looks on me. That or how reality swings its bat real hard at me, reminding me of all the ugliness in society.
I can't even bring myself to meet people who has a chance of bombarding their questions of "how's your job search" on me, and then carry on with the most utterly useless advises of all.
But I did my best today, I gotta admit I was really down on the way back from MidValley but I think i withheld it alright when having lunch with my friends in the mall or when I got back home. Not a single complaint or whining, because it's my new year resolution and...
...to be honest no one really cares anyways. I've come to accept that a lot of late, like seriously, no one gives a shit. They pretend to, but at the end of the day it's not their life, they resume theirs (and not yours) the next day. I've already come to terms with that.
But that's ok, because I know someday I'll find the happiness I've promised myself to find, the last piece of my puzzle. Even if I don't I should be fine, somehow.
Hmmph, nice weather tonight.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Monday, March 25, 2013
Strike!
Haven't had so much hate and anger for a while already.
Its the tempered anger, steady and all its surety which makes it scary.
It's as if I want to watch the world burn, all hopes turn to ashes and dreams incinerated to dry husks.
Its the tempered anger, steady and all its surety which makes it scary.
It's as if I want to watch the world burn, all hopes turn to ashes and dreams incinerated to dry husks.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
At its heart
You know what I feel like doing tonight? Just tonight, much less yesterday night and probably not so much tomorrow night.
I just want to drive to the summit of a hill overlooking the cities, smoke two cigarettes, I don't know why two but just two, leaning against my car breathing in the cooling night air, and have the music For The First Time by The Script on replay, and just have someone I trust and believe in to just stare at me, or just stand around for all I care.
I always need distractions, those that most would deem it as life priorities are actually distractions to me - necessary distractions...so I won't have to face myself in the mirror and wonder about all the possibilities out there, all the not-going-to-happens, all the surety.
That's just it tonight, nothing else. Made a promise I'll be happy for the rest of my life and nevermore should I dread living again, but...
I just want to drive to the summit of a hill overlooking the cities, smoke two cigarettes, I don't know why two but just two, leaning against my car breathing in the cooling night air, and have the music For The First Time by The Script on replay, and just have someone I trust and believe in to just stare at me, or just stand around for all I care.
I always need distractions, those that most would deem it as life priorities are actually distractions to me - necessary distractions...so I won't have to face myself in the mirror and wonder about all the possibilities out there, all the not-going-to-happens, all the surety.
That's just it tonight, nothing else. Made a promise I'll be happy for the rest of my life and nevermore should I dread living again, but...
...sometimes I just get so tired.
but alas I know, I'm not weak. I just know.
"it's ok"
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Unorthodox rhythm
At every high point of a story, comes another low one. It's like our heartbeat, the ups and downs, and it's only human for us to encounter such rhythmic pattern in our life.
Sometimes even the tiniest of all things would annoy and disgust you :-
Your ever growing tummy
Your ever growing hair
Your ever inability to adapt to hot weather
Your annoyance to dry lips
Your awakening every morning due to the east Sun right at your face
Your frustration to job seeking
Your disgust at human to litter while they complain at the environment hygiene degradation
My anger, the restless torch resides within me. It'll never be put out, but it's the everlasting fire - but know this, fire will only burn with external factors supporting it, such as oxygen; but some flames will just scorch as brightly even if isolated. It's the one anger, one wild fire beyond your comprehension.
Even I get tired sometimes holding it all in, I've let loose once and I crumbled. Sometimes I just feel so much in sync with Adele's line "my hands, they're strong; but my knees were far too weak". Some days, I just find myself in a position where I just dread everything around me and I just don't know why.
Actually, why? Because they have a furnace which is cozy on the inside but they just let it go loose and ignite the surface. This irresponsible act latched onto another person and the fire burns on. They never fall back to realize what's inside of them, and that they actually have the potential to feel happy but THEY JUST DON'T! All that they can think of is money and materialism, and boy does these people are good with sharing their so called wisdom. What happened to health and feeling good yourself? What happened to committing a kindness just because it makes me feel good? What happened to "save the trouble", and spare both yourself from an outburst of anger and the person of misery? What happened to smile, and makes everything better around you?
This sickness is beyond viral, and it's really disgusting. How people mistreating each other and classifying their status and class in the society is utter bullshit. Why, why and why? Do you not realize God is watching you doing all this? You think you can put up a good show in your temple or churches and you'd get a ticket to heaven? For example, yeah alright she's a maid but she's a human too and you're in no position to enslave them and make them do whatever redundant things you want them to do just because you feel like it.
I'm consider myself a very optimistic person, and when someone accuse it of being lucky because I was born with everything and I could live such a carefree life I CHALLENGE YOU RIGHT HERE - HOW MUCH HARDSHIPS HAVE YOU SEEN IN HUMANITY, TO LET YOU LET LOOSE SUCH VERBAL MONSTROSITY? To the people of lesser state than you, they could've said that to you; and vice-versa for me to say these to the people of the wealthier, but I chose to be optimistic and even admit that I am very blessed for that matter. Do you see the fault in your accusation?
Your ever growing tummy - Yes because I am well-fed whilst many others starve.
Your ever growing hair - Yes I don't even need to worry about hair-loss.
Your ever inability to adapt to hot weather - Yes I don't have to harvest woodlogs to survive the winters.
Your annoyance to dry lips - Yes because I have the luxury of air-conditioning.
Your awakening every morning due to the east Sun right at your face - Yes, I get to live.
Your frustration to job seeking - Yes, for having parents capable enough to even send me overseas.
Your disgust at human to litter while they complain at the environment hygiene degradation
Yes, thank you for allowing me to come to my senses and prohibit myself from committing the same act.
It's so easy to list 25 principles in life so to live a happy life and share around in Facebook, but how many few can achieve it? You don't have an inborn hate and anger, that's why it's disappointing for those who has, who are so helpless to see those of you with so much power to change it, but yet sit around like crybabies, yearning for the comfort from world. Don't complain about your body curvature, don't complain about your lack of friends, don't complain for the lack of money, don't complain about your dim-wittiness - it disgusts the hell out of the rest of the people who tried so hard but bear no harvest. Imagine being born with cancer, born with a death sentence, and a premature death, and yet they thrive while some of you wanted to commit suicide.
Just so you know, I used to be way more pessimistic and dread my life - until the day where I've met people, in the plurality, who have nothing, NOTHING, no friends family wealth guardian food shelter care even future, and yet they have shown me that, they have everything. Don't know how? Go get yourself in a charity work, like, REAL charity not going old folks home just because you wanted some credit out of it. There's a hurricane destruction, now go for that. Trust me, you'll never feel so much being a human there and then, helping others, and if you're a Christian, that is when its one of the times when you feel closest to God.
Phew, guess this blog is probably where I can get real and really vent things out.
Sometimes even the tiniest of all things would annoy and disgust you :-
Your ever growing tummy
Your ever growing hair
Your ever inability to adapt to hot weather
Your annoyance to dry lips
Your awakening every morning due to the east Sun right at your face
Your frustration to job seeking
Your disgust at human to litter while they complain at the environment hygiene degradation
My anger, the restless torch resides within me. It'll never be put out, but it's the everlasting fire - but know this, fire will only burn with external factors supporting it, such as oxygen; but some flames will just scorch as brightly even if isolated. It's the one anger, one wild fire beyond your comprehension.
Even I get tired sometimes holding it all in, I've let loose once and I crumbled. Sometimes I just feel so much in sync with Adele's line "my hands, they're strong; but my knees were far too weak". Some days, I just find myself in a position where I just dread everything around me and I just don't know why.
Actually, why? Because they have a furnace which is cozy on the inside but they just let it go loose and ignite the surface. This irresponsible act latched onto another person and the fire burns on. They never fall back to realize what's inside of them, and that they actually have the potential to feel happy but THEY JUST DON'T! All that they can think of is money and materialism, and boy does these people are good with sharing their so called wisdom. What happened to health and feeling good yourself? What happened to committing a kindness just because it makes me feel good? What happened to "save the trouble", and spare both yourself from an outburst of anger and the person of misery? What happened to smile, and makes everything better around you?
This sickness is beyond viral, and it's really disgusting. How people mistreating each other and classifying their status and class in the society is utter bullshit. Why, why and why? Do you not realize God is watching you doing all this? You think you can put up a good show in your temple or churches and you'd get a ticket to heaven? For example, yeah alright she's a maid but she's a human too and you're in no position to enslave them and make them do whatever redundant things you want them to do just because you feel like it.
I'm consider myself a very optimistic person, and when someone accuse it of being lucky because I was born with everything and I could live such a carefree life I CHALLENGE YOU RIGHT HERE - HOW MUCH HARDSHIPS HAVE YOU SEEN IN HUMANITY, TO LET YOU LET LOOSE SUCH VERBAL MONSTROSITY? To the people of lesser state than you, they could've said that to you; and vice-versa for me to say these to the people of the wealthier, but I chose to be optimistic and even admit that I am very blessed for that matter. Do you see the fault in your accusation?
Your ever growing tummy - Yes because I am well-fed whilst many others starve.
Your ever growing hair - Yes I don't even need to worry about hair-loss.
Your ever inability to adapt to hot weather - Yes I don't have to harvest woodlogs to survive the winters.
Your annoyance to dry lips - Yes because I have the luxury of air-conditioning.
Your awakening every morning due to the east Sun right at your face - Yes, I get to live.
Your frustration to job seeking - Yes, for having parents capable enough to even send me overseas.
Your disgust at human to litter while they complain at the environment hygiene degradation
Yes, thank you for allowing me to come to my senses and prohibit myself from committing the same act.
It's so easy to list 25 principles in life so to live a happy life and share around in Facebook, but how many few can achieve it? You don't have an inborn hate and anger, that's why it's disappointing for those who has, who are so helpless to see those of you with so much power to change it, but yet sit around like crybabies, yearning for the comfort from world. Don't complain about your body curvature, don't complain about your lack of friends, don't complain for the lack of money, don't complain about your dim-wittiness - it disgusts the hell out of the rest of the people who tried so hard but bear no harvest. Imagine being born with cancer, born with a death sentence, and a premature death, and yet they thrive while some of you wanted to commit suicide.
Just so you know, I used to be way more pessimistic and dread my life - until the day where I've met people, in the plurality, who have nothing, NOTHING, no friends family wealth guardian food shelter care even future, and yet they have shown me that, they have everything. Don't know how? Go get yourself in a charity work, like, REAL charity not going old folks home just because you wanted some credit out of it. There's a hurricane destruction, now go for that. Trust me, you'll never feel so much being a human there and then, helping others, and if you're a Christian, that is when its one of the times when you feel closest to God.
Phew, guess this blog is probably where I can get real and really vent things out.
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