Christmas

This Christmas, have been unfortunately been very unhappy for me. That is of course, I am put into an undesirable situation where I felt compelled and extremely forced to comply to it. Besides, the recent meeting with friends from various networks bored me a lot, not implying my change of heart, but it does bore me and it only means one thing when this occurs to me - I haven't been spending time with myself. Hence the need for me to actually sit at home and do absolutely nothing but be with myself in solitary, confinement, absolute stillness and peace. Which honestly speaking, I've been really wanting this Christmas holiday to fulfill that role and unfortunately I really do feel like I've been robbed of that. There's really no way around phrasing it and there is really no point in sugarcoating it, it's just how I feel.

I really do commit at work and I feel tired already for being so committed to one thing already, to have a second issue to be shoved down your throat will agitate you. Although the recent issue of being sickened with a certain friend or two does hold true, because of events of late which really allow me to see who that person really is. There is nothing but disappointments and complete loss of faith, trust and hope in that person. There is no longer value in the friendship, hell, I wouldn't even call you a friend, rather just a "contact" now. Although to digress the topic a little bit, I do hate people who ask to be invited. There are numerous of them who does it subconsciously and I feel disgusted usually. I would never do so and sometimes when I sense something off with a certain invitation that was done so commercially or just a display of good manner to just ask you, I would turn it down, although usually sometimes some friend would term that as "loner" or "unsociable" which I would like to correct you right here and now, to take it back and categorize it as the said reason above.

All in all, I am still very unhappy with the fact that my mind therapy schedule is reduced to ashes. Although it still struck me just now that, perhaps God is reminding me of the discovery of what I really want a long time ago - that nothing else really matters, when I could not be happy.

residual

Woke up from a what seems like a lifetime in a dream

Opened my eyes and stared into stranger surroundings

Conscience are like drug injections

Killing my o' fairy land 

in my dearest memories

When all but seems ash of my dreamories

Stood still a residual of it

a light so tiny but never-fading in this pitch black warzone

Sands of time all but eroding that light as we speak

but still hung a glimpse of that precious dream

still so clear in thy eyes until me arms are around it

and here it is -

That blue ink pen drawing on a tiny foolscap paper

with funny triangle shapes and circles 

and a kindergarten sun in the middle of it all

tucked into the safest corner of my wallet

without my knowing

without my awareness

when I fell asleep on you

because I know I'm safest around you

This moment reality is at full gauge

This moment reality is my lens that filter my sight

but that slip of paper will forever resides in me

that uncontested memory of your drawing 

that is so... YOU

 will remind me that you still care

and your voice echoed

"It's ok" 

just another day

It is. Maybe that's how the world seemed like when you lock yourself in your room for an extended amount of time, where the sky and the trees is what you see only from that tiny window frame from inside the room. You can say its as if I'm the frog in the well, but that's if you choose to see it that way. Things just seem to be pretty much the same from the same point of view. The unchanging world, where I would sometimes just take a minute break from my studies and sort of just stare into the outside scenery and let my mind go blank for a minute. It's a good view really, all I see are trees and grass and the blue blue skies, not even a hint of civilization (pavements, roofs whatsoever).

Don't get me wrong, I'm not putting up a fit with how boring my life is. Its just how calm things are, if you just sort of close your eyes or tuck yourself away to some desolated place for a period of time. Rid yourself from the newspaper, of the war going around, of the politics and all its atrocities, and all the catastrophic disasters befalling on mankind. 

"Ignorance is a bliss"

=)

需要人陪

哈，那今天心血来潮，就来个华语的“博克”输入。

今天呢，就完成了另一张考试卷子， 可能是因为下一张考卷是在下周星期二，感觉上就好像还有挺多时间的呢。那也避免不了，难得辛苦了一阵子，有时也得疼自己一下。人家也有说吗，正所谓“休息就是为了走更长远的路“，有时候我的脑袋也真的不能承受这么多的压力和熬煎，也得坐下来，对着电脑放空一下。

既然在考试的话题， 那就得说说第一份考卷。我也倒是觉得有失望。就。。。令场表现可以差得这么样吗？就有一个题目我中途中就困住了，那只好把它丢下先， 赶快完成其他的题目。那题呢，到最后我有总共差不多四十分钟呢。 我想也想不到，堂堂一个十几年的读书生，就连那一行字也没读到。那题目里关键的一行字，我保证你，我可以五分钟内完成他。唉，天真的是有不测风云，我偏偏就在最后那一分钟看到。哇塞，你可以想象我那时可真有多不甘愿。 我明明整份卷子可以胸有成竹的把它完成，还闭门念书。搞得我差点走火入魔，就为了那个HD.

也许是因为那件事，希望也放低好多了。目标放低了，说真的，人也放松好多了。

晚餐之后都没做些什么有建设性的事情，就一直看《康熙来了》。难免看多了也会厌倦，所以就飘落到现在，无所事事，也无思乱想。有时也不知道为何我有这么多繁杂的思想，怪不得我白头发这么多，害得我时不时得染头发，不然就天天有那沧桑的脸色。

忧从中来，何以解愁

有时候，还真的不知道自己可以撑到几时。那些创伤的呐喊，就每天这样埋在自己的心坎里，每天都告诉自己“我还能撑多一天！”。奇怪的是我也没有要日夜有人分担这负担，反而很坚持的觉得这毕竟是我的私事。 但众多人当中，也得感谢（只有）一位，能够聆听我的哭诉， 能够彻底的了解我的心情。就这么一次，就很足够了。 我觉得我对我人生，打从心里，也没什么抱怨了。

Waiting.

Just something I did during my study breaks.

Of spring and blueberry muffins

Spring is back and the tree outside my room is blooming with leaves again. See that kettle? Its dying soon and it served me a good year =) about time I go home already.

Finished all assignments last week, and have the first examination paper coming next Tuesday. Internship's settled, flight ticket as well. Going to look for houses over the course of the holiday, buy AirAsia ticket back to Aus this holiday too, and also a concrete plan for moving our stuff to our friend's house after our exams. The same bunch of friend offered their place for us to stay for next year's house huntin' too.

Weather's pretty warm these few days. With nearly as much as 26C for Monday and Tuesday, and thank goodness it rained the next few days. Gloomy days with rain as the toppings make me happy, for some odd reason. So much for being "gloomy" eh?

I bought blueberry muffins again from Coles. They do cost a little bit too much but they taste good. Every damn thing I've bought recently has a countdown timer on them, and all of them are expected to finish by mid-Nov. Going to get a haircut this coming Tuesday because beauty comes at a price. I'm just kidding, I just don't want to be bothered by my long hair at all when I'm doing my revision. I'd like to keep it moderately short and fresh. Easier for outward diffusion of stress, you know.

Donated blood again last Thursday, saved three lives last time round around May and hoped to continue helping. Pretty glad with my health performance for year of 2011, with regular home workout ( tummy is hereby officially postponed for another year ), and weekly swimming ( and not jogging because the last time I did during end of Winter resulted in me having headache for 1 whole day ) and also very healthy meals. With fruit intake almost everyday and vege for at least one meal a day, to top it off I usually conclude the day with green tea after dinner, for three quater of the time.

Blizzcon took place yesterday, announce a new Kung Fu Panda expansion...excuse me, a new World of Warcraft expansion, a new cinematics for Diablo 3 and a very awesome teaser for Starcraft 2 : Heart of the Swarm which gave me intense nerd-boner excitement and anticipation for the game.

This year's happy meter - 82/100

Well, at least I think I'm happy, or rather every time I prompt that question to myself I'd always have "I think there's hardly anything too bad?" as my answer which is good, I guess. Cheers.

You know, amidst of everything happening around me, sometimes I really just want to zone out, pause the time and do nothing at all. I do wonder every now and then,

Why have I not met you yet?

...or had I?

Knowing

Usually when people ask me about how my life has been, I'd always joke and say "same shit, different day".  Not forgetting that I should probably add on and say "same joy, different day" too =) Well life's been good, nothing I couldn't handle, nothing really upsets me so immensely that I could not get back on my feet again.

So yesterday we went out to celebrate Ken's birthday and god knows why I said I wanted to bake a cake for his birthday. Man, I sure liked to talk big, considering the fact that I've never baked before haha. Thank goodness I still had some time after the submission of my assignment last week to do some study on the various vanilla cake recipes around the web, and down-listed a few of them and seek the advice of my neighbor which apparently is a seasoned bakery chef. Even checked on the recipe of whipped cream.

So here it is. Vanilla cake.

1 & 3/4 cups of self raising flour

1 & 1/2 cups of all purpose flour

1/4 tsp of salt

Since I couldn't find cake flour, so I had to sieve the self-raising flour four times to make it really powdery (credit go to a certain awesome green jumper cook from kiwi land by the name of Maurice). Sieved all purpose flour one time and mix well and set aside.

1 cup unsalted butter at room temperature

2 cups sugar

I had to wait for the butter to become a tad soft and melt a little due to the warm room temperature ( in which case the room temp is well below 15C because its cold here! ). I used a wooden spatula and pressed and mixed REALLY long, made sure all the sugar is integrated into the butter.

4 eggs at room temperature.

Add one at a time, beating after every addition. Yes, I beat pretty long ( also forgetting not to overbeat it ) after adding in every egg.

4 tsp vanilla extract

Just add it in. After which I used an electric mixer to blend it well before I put in the dry ingredients I set aside just now, alongside with a cup of undiluted evaporated milk. I think this is the important part because in addition to beating well after every addition of ingredients, its crucial to start and end with the dry ingredients. So just go by this

1/3 of the dry ingredients, to

1/2 cup of undiluted evaporated milk, to

1/3 of the dry ingredients, to

last 1/2 cup of the undiluted evaporated milk, to

last 1/3 of the dry ingredient

Beat well after every addition! Patience and love is the key to a successful cake! Mine looked like this before I greased the pan and put it into the oven.

Looked pretty awesome right! What a sigh of relief when I see the final texture of the dough to be like that. Then, grease the pan and put the mixture in. Oh, remember to preheat oven to...I couldn't remember what temperature but I just knew that I had to set the cake in 325F (or 160C ish ), and the oven were already well in 160C for a long time because someone else was baking. Wait for a GOOD long time, actually depending on your baking tray. Mine was really fat and tall so it took me easily a good one hour. Use a toothpick, or in my case a spaghetti (yes I did not have anything long and hard like a satay stick to test) to poke the cake. Cake's ready when the stick comes out dry. Let it cool for 10 minutes at least before taking it out.

I was actually rushing out for dinner with the rest of the people for the birthday boy, I had to take a later bus on my own because the cake wasn't ready! 15 minutes before my bus I took one last poke into the cake, and I remembered a lot of my hall mates were in the kitchen as well watching me, and boy, did my heart pound like a hammer when I pull the stick out (because I was going to be SO late for dinner), and when the last end of the stick came out of the cake and it appeared to be dry, everyone in the kitchen actually cheered "YES!". At least I think they were cheering for me haha. I took the baking tray, left it in my room and leave straight away for the bus. Poor cake didnt get any attention whatsoever from me.

I was really glad the cake was baked thoroughly! My first try, real luck I have here. Not boasting but it tasted really good haha, I couldn't stop eating it myself. Oh and there is the recipe for the whipped frosting on the cake.

3 egg whites

3/4 cup of sugar

Pinch of salt

1/3 cup of water

I set the glass bowl with all the above mentioned ingredients on a medium heated simmering water ( remember not to overheat it, or else you'll end up with sweet scramble eggs ). Just keep stirring until all the sugar has melted. Then comes the amazing part, this seemingly measly amount of ingredient, after medium speed beating with electric mixer, actually turns out like this.

Add in vanilla extract towards the end. Do not overbeat the whipped frosting, and beat it until stiff peak. Stick peak is the point where the whipped frosting is so viscous until it becomes a non-newtonian fluid and defies gravity. That is in engineering term haha. Well actually, stiff peak is the point where you set a knife in the cream, and topple it upside down (completely) and nothing moves, at least that's what my nice friend did to me in the kitchen. Note: the knife wasn't required really, I just want to boast how awesome my cream is.

Oh and after dinner JiaYean and I went back early, got the keys to our friend's house and decorate the cake (remember I said I left for the bus right after I took the cake out of the oven? ). We had to surprise our friend so to quote JY, she said "time is of the essence"! Here is how it went.

Glad everyone liked it, at least I know someone was hogging the top crust and finished majority of it, birthday boy took 3 slices of it, and only a slice of it is what's left of the entire cake towards the end of the feast. After which we played a game of Taboo which was really fun, more like the company was the best. Had tons of laughter which I believed was genuine from each and every person in the room. Had the best recognition and appreciation expressed from the birthday boy, which was both silly and heart warming at the same time haha.

I had a good time, and the responses I've got were REALLY worth all the effort, I did not feel a SLIGHTEST bit of drag. Thanks, to you, and to everyone else =)

the road ahead.

Well, a picture paints a thousand words. This is probably how I've been feeling for the past few days.

I've really just let down a huge luggage recently. I really couldn't talk to anybody for god's sake, I just want to stand there for a while more with my luggage. Take a look into the horizon in the distant. Catch a new breath. Take a look back at my luggage for one last time...

...so I can move on.

Thank you

You'd probably will never read this, but here it is - 

Thank you

For hearing me out, and still see me as who I am. I could finally breathe my life again after so long. Thank you, really.

Last weekend

Last friday night, yeah it resembles Katy Perry's song, we celebrated Tian Hui's birthday.

That was some fun and some good food we had there. Had tons of chips as well, something that I crave almost certainly at some point of time every week. Well, there's a good reason to why I exercise consistently every week without fail. So I won't have the slightest bit of guilt the next time I dig into that box of chips!

Last night, Saturday night was the party after the dinner. Had tons of alcohol, JDs, Vodkas and Cointreau. I've gotta admit that was a tad too much alcohol, and in spite of my numerous experience at heavy drinking, I got drunk the first time yesterday. I was always the high tipsy guy, until I got wasted yesterday and lied down on the floor for the whole night. There was of course much more story to it but it ain't gonna be disclosed here hehe. 

Was lucky to be wasted in the comfort of a friend's house and stayed over. Thank god they're bunch of nice chaps who doesn't mind a lot of things. Glad to have them. 

Well, to wrap things up I'd say yesterday was more like me letting my worst nightmare out loose, and not being able to hold all the long suppressed feelings in anymore. Meh, guess it was good to let it out?

Someone like you

So,

life's pretty much the same.

I went Mt Buller on the weekend with couple of my friends, and I finally managed to pull a skiing trip off. To be exact, we didn't ski in the end, we took up snowboarding instead. Boy, that was fun. Mount Buller really have some really nice long slopes for snow sports, and it was very exhilarating to snowboard at high speed. Provided the speed could last more than a minute, that'd be awesome. However I still managed to have a lot of fun and thrill nonetheless. 

Yesterday, Normanby House had an event. Its the party bus! Basically we boarded a bus with a dance floor and traveled down to the city and visited a bar, a club and a phail club/bar/pub which is the last place we've visited before heading back. Perhaps we were tired, and perhaps the place just blows. Had my first Tequila Shot. Interesting much, taking that pinch of salt, downing that shot and then biting into a lemon.

 

To be honest, both Mount Buller and Party Bus made me feel more like a foreigner, in a good way. Like seriously, Melbourne city is infested with asians, makes you really wondered where did all the Caucasians go. In Mt Buller, when we were having meals whatsoever we always seemed to be the ONLY bunch of asians around. Party Bus too were saturated with primarily Caucasians. Make no mistake I'm not complaining, its more like a "Australia, now that's what I'm talking about". 

Going off to a friend's house for potluck later. There's going to be around 15 of us. Talked to a friend of mines about this recently, like how fortunate I am thus far. Most of the things I've always wanted to do when I grow up were checked in my bucket list. Imagined myself going road trips, imagined myself drinking beer in a friend's house during winter etc. I hardly say this out loud, but here it is - Thank you God. 

...although there's still some issues here and there still left unresolved. Atop of everything wonderful happening, some issues still bore me down to my knees and left me really helpless. At least I still have what I call a "normal life" on the majority part of my life to keep those silent cries shut, and get a hang of myself. As much as I would want some things to change, some facts still remained the same. I did get some answers, but as much as a optimist and a problem-solver I am, I still wind up in the crossroad now, and questioned

What now?

what if

Don't hate me for this, I know its totally inappropriate and I swear I usually would never prompt this question in normal day to day speech, hell, I've never asked that thus far. Just curious, if under any unfortunate circumstance you were at the wrong place at the wrong time and got into an accident and was at the verge of dying - 

Can you still breathe your last breaths peacefully and cherished all that you've lived and leave with no regrets?

I wish I could. Maybe its the thought of that allowed me to be able to cherish my every waking moment. Maybe not every single one of it, at least the most of it?

Holiday's a really good time though, takes your mind off the materialistic in a good way. Had enough time to think thoroughly through things etc. 

( Digress. I got my first High Distinction grade this semester! Whilst everyone had four HDs every semester, I got my first after entering university. Doesn't change the fact that my average marks improved and I got my first HD which is such---a---delight! )

Unfortunately a friend amongst us still struggle with issues of friends and loneliness. I always seemed to be his last resort before he takes the final straw. Although in addition to couple more adversaries, I still think they are broke even with the age he is now. God did give me ample signs to reach out to this lost soul and give him a helping hand, but in all honesty I have no idea what to do either. Time and time again I have failed to send the message that "I couldn't help you if you don't help yourself" out across to him. All this sounded all too familiar anyways, and it's also not like I have not been through solitary before. Simply put it this way, if you could not handle solitary, it just simply goes to mean you dislike being with yourself. As much as I would want to help, sorry there is only so far I could go. I do not stand on firm solid grounds, I have issues of my own as well. 

In the midst of all the ruckus and talking I did also mention that we shouldn't all be too stubborn sometimes. Sometimes, some things are just not meant to be ours. After which I thought to myself again about what I said and was reminded by what you said. You said if we love someone, we shouldn't be cowardly and we should think about how we can give them better than what they have.

What if...

I really think I couldn't afford to give anything better? Isn't this the time for me to just back off? As much as I want it, and I want it so very dearly, and because I want it so dearly I could never fathom myself losing it even further. For this I will have to respectfully disagree with you. Sorry but this is really not mine's to take, and I choose to back off because it is never love to snatch, it is selfishness to rob something and have it turn to ash in your hands. 

Besides, it is foolish for me to dwell on issues out of my reach. I am still thankful for having friends which I could just hang out, like, really just hang out. There still beautiful things around other than the ones I truly cared for, if only I choose to take my eyes off for a while. Which I did, and I was glad.

( At Mt Dandenong, yesterday )

1km

unlocked a new perk today.

On the side note, I did manage to reach that target today. 40 laps was boring much. 

Holiday has pretty relaxing thus far, and boy, time sure flies by fast. Hadnt been doing much this holiday, which doesn't really bother because its what holiday is to me.

Watched Kung Fu Panda 2. Very good movie, and better than the first. Whereas for Transformer 3 : Dark of the Moon, I found it a tad disappointing after finishing the movie in the cinema. Don't exactly know why am I feeling disappointing after the movie though, but I sure know I was not thrilled. 

Went to city and visited one of the gardens as well in this winter.

(Behold, the Temple of Winds........right)

And as of recent we had my our favorite fish and chips in the city followed by a visit into Melbourne Museum. Guess what? Its free access for students. Awesome much.

That being said, I still have a lot of items on my to-do-list to complete, of which nearly more than half of them are official matters concerning my academic studies and internship. Phfffft. Nevertheless, this holiday has been pretty good to me =)

That's all, and this is Lester, logging out.

愚人的國度

Heard this song today and felt a strong sense of attachment to the lyrics and the music.

孙燕姿 - 愚人的国度

Stefanie Sun - A fool's land

爱是愚人的国度 ( Love is a fool's land )
看我们演的好辛苦 ( Look at us performing so hard )
是你所谓的领悟 ( Its what you meant by enlightenment )
我不懂 我不哭 ( I don't understand , I don't weep )

看悲欢喜怒每一步 ( Look at life's every step of joy and sorrow )
是疲惫还是依赖的束缚 ( Is that tiresome or is that dependence's confinement? )
来你能不能再重复 ( Let's see whether you could repeat that again )
让我懂 让我哭 ( Let me understand, let me weep )

再让时间停住 ( So let time stop again )
把自己看清楚 ( so I can take a good look at myself )
不必再说假如 ( and needless to say "what if" again )
我穿过 一地荒芜 ( I crossed a stretch of wastelands )
幸福 不能碰触 ( Happiness, is immaterial )

爱是愚人的国度 ( Love is a fool's land )
不能自拔 不懂退出 ( Cannot extricate, not knowing how to back out )
我们都回不去最初 ( and the all of us could no longer return to the begining )
曾美丽 但还是不满足 ( once beautiful, still unsatisfying )
爱是自娱愚人演出 ( Love is for the self-entertainment performance of a fool )
答案清楚 才能谢幕 ( Answers have to be clear, for the curtain call to take place )
剧情 是笑 是哭 ( Drama, is the story of laughter, the story of tears )

 

 爱是愚人的国度 ( Love is a fool's land )
看我们演的好辛苦 ( Look at us performing so hard )
是你所谓的领悟 ( Its what you meant by enlightenment )
我不懂 我不哭 ( I don't understand , I don't weep )

 

看悲欢喜怒每一步 ( Look at life's every step of joy and sorrow )
是疲惫还是依赖的束缚 ( Is that tiresome or is that dependence's confinement? )
来你能不能再重复 ( Let's see whether you could repeat that again )
让我懂 让我哭 ( Let me understand, let me weep )

 

再让时间停住 ( So let time stop again )
把自己看清楚 ( so I can take a good look at myself )
不必再说假如 ( and needless to say "what if" again )
我穿过 一地荒芜 ( I crossed a stretch of wastelands )
幸福 不能碰触 ( Happiness, is immaterial )

 

爱是愚人的国度 ( Love is a fool's land )
不能自拔 不懂退出 ( Cannot extricate, not knowing how to back out )
我们都回不去最初 ( and the all of us could no longer return to the begining )
曾美丽 但还是不满足 ( once beautiful, still unsatisfying )
爱是自娱愚人演出 ( Love is for the self-entertainment performance of a fool )
答案清楚 才能谢幕 ( Answers have to be clear, for the curtain call to take place )
剧情 是笑 是哭 ( Drama, is the story of laughter, the story of tears )

我们都回不去最初 ( The all of us could no longer return to the beginning )
怎么爱　还是不满足 ( No matter how we love, it is still unsatisfying )
爱是自娱愚人演出 ( Love is for the self-entertainment performance of a fool )
答案清楚　才能谢幕 ( Answers have to be clear, for the curtain call to take place )
结局　是笑　是哭 ( Ending, is the story of laughter, the story of tears )

recluse

In times of stress, I'd always hope I could retreat to places as such. I don't think I'm anywhere near suicidal, just that everytime when I'm stressed with the schoolwork and all sorts of things that us human trouble ourselves with, I just wish I could go places as such alone...

...and in recluse. So the sheer silence in the air and the magnificent view of mother nature could remind me how tiny a being I am. How insignificant I can be. That always has a very strong positive impact on me, always reminds me of the beauty of life, and how real life attachments are really nothing but a bunch of nuisance that we human choose to attach ourselves with. 

There is nothing I cannot overcome in my life, not until my very last breath. Even then, I would have no regrets living thus far.

Only human

Sometimes, no matter how tough we are and how seasoned are we in our life experiences, we would always still wind down to being a baby all over again.

We are still stuffed toys who yearns for love, and comforting hugs.

Sometimes, a hug and "it's ok" is all I need.

Eye 2 Eye, Cheek 2 Cheek

Easter Break been great, had some good rest, and enjoyed those days doing absolutely nothing.

Of all the days, three days were most eventful. Great Ocean Road and the visit to Twelve Apostle Road was the first to name.

Next is the visit to Healesville Sactuary. Just a look around the countryside zoo and some relaxing.

Lastly the weekend before classes resumed, we went to Carlton Gardens in the city, followed by Dim Sum for breakfast, a walk around Queen Victoria Market and lastly karaoke.

Time sure flies for holiday, and now we're back to our busy schedules and assignments and tests. A month left to finals and its the completion of yet another semester. Life's like that I guess, I'm thankful though to have a normal life as such, living and doing what everyone else is doing. Although there is a missing puzzle, I know very well what it is, just not within my reach. Actually its within my reach, but I guess I can't have everything.

Guess that's it for this entry, laters.

me you us you me

Sometimes when I see people trying so hard in their lives, it really makes me wonder about myself sometimes. People do think that I'm a pessimist and an asshole at times, but who are they to blame me for that when they haven't seen the world through my eyes?

Say I'm stubborn but who are you to say that when you're one who is reluctant to make a change and insist that I change? I m just tired, very tired of taking a step back all the time. I'm just asking myself the question, why can't it be someone else for this one time who is going to take a step back?

Say I'm a pessimist and always view things as a half empty glass instead of a glass half filled with water. But who are you to say I'm full with so much negativity when you view my life with such little optimism? It's not my fault that I kept seeing things, and perhaps at times seen too much when I'm not suppose to and comprehended things that way ever since. 

Say I give up too easily on things and did not have enough faith in matters. But who are you to say I'm not putting enough effort when you were not there at all when I toke a tumble and cried for help? Wounds do heal after they have bled enough, but who in the right mind would want to take another tumble knowing it is bound to happen. Call me that, but I stand my ground firm because I've always been getting back on my feet on my own and I know that a lot of times, no one really cares. Don't pretend like you care.

Say I am holding my feelings and thoughts and secrets in too much and straining myself. But who are you to intrude my personal space and thread on my ground? Ugly secrets are best keep behind closed doors, because you are naive enough to think that the world is kind; because you have never once let loose a monstrosity of yours and suffer under the condescending glare of others. I do not see the point in you trying to know me, when all I have been trying to do all these while is just to keep myself safe. 

Say I am a bully and a meanie, but who are you to say that when you are born with perfect limbs and minds and not putting enough effort to improve yourself? I did not born ravenous like a predator hunting down others, I just simply could not comprehend why are you such a crybaby. I have seen, worked and get in touch with kids born with fates much worst than us - intellectually challenged ones, ones that lost everything from a natural disaster. I can see in their eyes that they are trying much harder than any of us right here, and they long for a fulfilling life like ours. Then there you are, a two decade old baby sitting on the floor crying over spilled milk and wait for people to help you get back on your feet. You clearly have not seen much tears that bled in the hearts of people which conveys through the windows of their souls.

I don't live unhappily day after another, I still live a fulfilling life with conflicts, laughters, stresses and resolves. Yes certain aspects of me may seem depressing and sad and loveless to you, but who are you to say that when you did not embrace and love me truthfully as an individual?

...and I gotta finish this entry because I have a life to live and myself to love. =)

Of toast and half boiled eggs

Life's simple at times. Most of the time, which I'm glad to say.

At least that's what I get to say when I'm occupied with tons of school work, takes your mind of the unnecessary thoughts. Since last week I've been working like a buzzing bee in a oven hot nest, could hardly take a break with the stacking school work, least my optimism reminds me of the best reward at the end of it - a week's break. Besides, I've been seeing a lot of people graduating in the campus recently in huge groups, they really do motivate me. Every time I walked past them I would tell myself, "One day mate, one day. And it'll be my turn and then all that I've done will be worthwhile".

Been working a lot, also not forgetting my moto of work hard play hard. I DID NOT play as much I swear, only a good 2-3hours of Starcraft 2 in a couple of days. However I sure do know how to take a break sometimes. Spent like a forever in the early morning ( yes 8am ) doing assignment which is due a day afterwards ( Note: The assignment is a minor one and is pretty easy to do, i finished way earlier just now and submitted way earlier than the due time), well stopped at near 10 o'clock and woke up after that. Had the best damn thing for brunch.

Half boiled eggs served with kaya/butter toast. GOOD LORD! They tasted so good! Not to mention I finished my brunch with a warm cup of 3-in-1 white coffee. Worked my ass off so I could submit my assignment early just now, well after all the hard work I sure did reward myself justly. I watched the latest episode of Naruto which released like 2-3 hours. Imagine that temptations seducing you while you're completing the assignment.

Other than that life's been good, aside from academic. Fell sick the other day for 2 days or so. Actually I only get a serious fever for a day. Thanks to Pfizer's Celebrex, gosh they're so powerful as a medication.

Autumn's here. The scenery is pretty as well, trees with crimson red leaves and ground carpeted with red leaves, while some other trees still stand firm and green.

Homesickness is something that is completely unheard of here anyways. At least for me. Damn, having the opportunity to learn and become independent at an incredibly young age does have its advantage.

Going to look forward to bake egg tarts this Easter Break. My mom's recipe is divine, there is no argue around it. I don't care what cuisine award you've got, or whether they're those Portuguese egg tarts at Bakery's Cottage or King's Cake house which already taste good, there is no replacement to THAT egg tart recipe.  Always had a problem coming to a stop after I started eating em'. =)

superman

This week is hell. Wait, this SEMESTER is hell.

1 minor assignment, 2 lab reports, 4 tests, all over the course of 2 weeks. Don't blame me for being a last-minuter, because I am not, the lab reports could only be commenced after conducting the laboratory exercise which is this coming Friday.

Not to mention, I have a major assignment and also a pre-lab report due by the end of this week. This is serious hell. Not to mention previous weeks have been very tough as well, and it has been the same, like 2 consecutive weeks of sudden spike of workload and tests. Damn. To those kids who say Engineering, specifically Chemical Engineering is cake, you should die in a fire. Seriously. I don't think you could even comprehend half of what we study everyday, we do not enjoy the luxury of being able to "bullshit" ideas and use the mastery of language to persuade somebody something which is false, and we do not tolerate mistakes. A wrong answer with the wrong working/calculation/idea is wrong. There is no getting around it. 

I'm doing my pre-laboratory report now, just figured an hour ago about what kinds of equation we need to do and the approach to the experiment when the laboratory manual tells you literally nothing other than the obvious. Hell, they did not even tell me what sort of results they wanted, they just told us they want us to find...some sort of relationship. That's all. Didn't even have the courtesy to mention what relationship. Cracked my head for it. Working on it since 9pm until now. 

Joy.

P.S. There is mid semester break after the above mentioned 2 weeks of hardship. Phew.