me you us you me

Sometimes when I see people trying so hard in their lives, it really makes me wonder about myself sometimes. People do think that I'm a pessimist and an asshole at times, but who are they to blame me for that when they haven't seen the world through my eyes?

Say I'm stubborn but who are you to say that when you're one who is reluctant to make a change and insist that I change? I m just tired, very tired of taking a step back all the time. I'm just asking myself the question, why can't it be someone else for this one time who is going to take a step back?

Say I'm a pessimist and always view things as a half empty glass instead of a glass half filled with water. But who are you to say I'm full with so much negativity when you view my life with such little optimism? It's not my fault that I kept seeing things, and perhaps at times seen too much when I'm not suppose to and comprehended things that way ever since. 

Say I give up too easily on things and did not have enough faith in matters. But who are you to say I'm not putting enough effort when you were not there at all when I toke a tumble and cried for help? Wounds do heal after they have bled enough, but who in the right mind would want to take another tumble knowing it is bound to happen. Call me that, but I stand my ground firm because I've always been getting back on my feet on my own and I know that a lot of times, no one really cares. Don't pretend like you care.

Say I am holding my feelings and thoughts and secrets in too much and straining myself. But who are you to intrude my personal space and thread on my ground? Ugly secrets are best keep behind closed doors, because you are naive enough to think that the world is kind; because you have never once let loose a monstrosity of yours and suffer under the condescending glare of others. I do not see the point in you trying to know me, when all I have been trying to do all these while is just to keep myself safe. 

Say I am a bully and a meanie, but who are you to say that when you are born with perfect limbs and minds and not putting enough effort to improve yourself? I did not born ravenous like a predator hunting down others, I just simply could not comprehend why are you such a crybaby. I have seen, worked and get in touch with kids born with fates much worst than us - intellectually challenged ones, ones that lost everything from a natural disaster. I can see in their eyes that they are trying much harder than any of us right here, and they long for a fulfilling life like ours. Then there you are, a two decade old baby sitting on the floor crying over spilled milk and wait for people to help you get back on your feet. You clearly have not seen much tears that bled in the hearts of people which conveys through the windows of their souls.

I don't live unhappily day after another, I still live a fulfilling life with conflicts, laughters, stresses and resolves. Yes certain aspects of me may seem depressing and sad and loveless to you, but who are you to say that when you did not embrace and love me truthfully as an individual?

...and I gotta finish this entry because I have a life to live and myself to love. =)

Of toast and half boiled eggs

Life's simple at times. Most of the time, which I'm glad to say.

At least that's what I get to say when I'm occupied with tons of school work, takes your mind of the unnecessary thoughts. Since last week I've been working like a buzzing bee in a oven hot nest, could hardly take a break with the stacking school work, least my optimism reminds me of the best reward at the end of it - a week's break. Besides, I've been seeing a lot of people graduating in the campus recently in huge groups, they really do motivate me. Every time I walked past them I would tell myself, "One day mate, one day. And it'll be my turn and then all that I've done will be worthwhile".

Been working a lot, also not forgetting my moto of work hard play hard. I DID NOT play as much I swear, only a good 2-3hours of Starcraft 2 in a couple of days. However I sure do know how to take a break sometimes. Spent like a forever in the early morning ( yes 8am ) doing assignment which is due a day afterwards ( Note: The assignment is a minor one and is pretty easy to do, i finished way earlier just now and submitted way earlier than the due time), well stopped at near 10 o'clock and woke up after that. Had the best damn thing for brunch.

Half boiled eggs served with kaya/butter toast. GOOD LORD! They tasted so good! Not to mention I finished my brunch with a warm cup of 3-in-1 white coffee. Worked my ass off so I could submit my assignment early just now, well after all the hard work I sure did reward myself justly. I watched the latest episode of Naruto which released like 2-3 hours. Imagine that temptations seducing you while you're completing the assignment.

Other than that life's been good, aside from academic. Fell sick the other day for 2 days or so. Actually I only get a serious fever for a day. Thanks to Pfizer's Celebrex, gosh they're so powerful as a medication.

Autumn's here. The scenery is pretty as well, trees with crimson red leaves and ground carpeted with red leaves, while some other trees still stand firm and green.

Homesickness is something that is completely unheard of here anyways. At least for me. Damn, having the opportunity to learn and become independent at an incredibly young age does have its advantage.

Going to look forward to bake egg tarts this Easter Break. My mom's recipe is divine, there is no argue around it. I don't care what cuisine award you've got, or whether they're those Portuguese egg tarts at Bakery's Cottage or King's Cake house which already taste good, there is no replacement to THAT egg tart recipe.  Always had a problem coming to a stop after I started eating em'. =)

superman

This week is hell. Wait, this SEMESTER is hell.

1 minor assignment, 2 lab reports, 4 tests, all over the course of 2 weeks. Don't blame me for being a last-minuter, because I am not, the lab reports could only be commenced after conducting the laboratory exercise which is this coming Friday.

Not to mention, I have a major assignment and also a pre-lab report due by the end of this week. This is serious hell. Not to mention previous weeks have been very tough as well, and it has been the same, like 2 consecutive weeks of sudden spike of workload and tests. Damn. To those kids who say Engineering, specifically Chemical Engineering is cake, you should die in a fire. Seriously. I don't think you could even comprehend half of what we study everyday, we do not enjoy the luxury of being able to "bullshit" ideas and use the mastery of language to persuade somebody something which is false, and we do not tolerate mistakes. A wrong answer with the wrong working/calculation/idea is wrong. There is no getting around it. 

I'm doing my pre-laboratory report now, just figured an hour ago about what kinds of equation we need to do and the approach to the experiment when the laboratory manual tells you literally nothing other than the obvious. Hell, they did not even tell me what sort of results they wanted, they just told us they want us to find...some sort of relationship. That's all. Didn't even have the courtesy to mention what relationship. Cracked my head for it. Working on it since 9pm until now. 

Joy.

P.S. There is mid semester break after the above mentioned 2 weeks of hardship. Phew.

1 Hour

Nothing much has happened recently, it's not as though I want something to happen either. Things are fine the way they are now so why not enjoy this luxury.

Life now is somewhat a repetition, you wake up, go for classes, cook for lunch/dinner, chit-chat in the kitchen, do some work or procrastinate, and then head off to bed. 

Daylight savings ended today, and that means I gained an extra hour of sleep this morning. Joy. My hair is getting longer by the day, and I shall persevere and leave my hair long since I have not done so and would really love to try to have long hair for once before I graduate. 

Other than that, its the usual. Nothing much in my life bothers me for real, only that issue and that same issue for like forever and I guess my life's just like that until I get an answer for that, then I could inhale and breathe out a new life. 

I guess that's it for this entry, just wanted to drop a post.