Broken inside

Another entry, another issue. Saw a message displayed by a friend of mines on facebook, says

 

"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place"

 

Sure it makes a lot of sense. I wouldve given up on so much things come to think about it. Yes there are certain matters that i am still holding on to due to strong reasons behind it, but some are just plain...nuisance. Studies? Really? I still cant believe how are we still studying after nearly two full decades. Oh and before you start whining on studying, you'll be spending the rest of your godamn pathetic life after this two decades of study...working. Great. Just great.

 

It really makes me wonder, what is the bigger picture out there? There must be some sort of significance out there other than just earning money. You've got to admit it its all about it now. One thing really bothers me - are there no one that cared about the environment? I can boldly tell you i make an effort every single day or rather every waking moment. Today alone i could already tell you

 

#1 I actually bypasses numerous trashbins, and walked a good distance looking for recycle bin just to recycle paper.

#2 I drove just now with air-con off intentionally because the weather was cool

#3 I brought my own bowl to pack my dinner

 

And still i heard people rather packing stuff etc. Like seriously those plastic bags are going to be incinerated or buried, and you can watch them so ever still and cool? Come 2012 or the end of the world, no repentance would matter anymore. I'm not asking you to sacrifice all your possesions though, just a little effort everyday without jeoperdizing much of your convenience, and help the environment. Who needs 60 Earth Hour? I could honestly tell you i comepletly forgotten about it, but hell that 1 hour of electricity you've saved? Is nothing compared to the electricity you COULD HAVE saved on a daily basis.

 

For christ's sake really.

 

I'm exhausted on one hand really. I mean i DO have more burdens that what i apeared on the outside, ok fine. Who doesnt? I kinda just feel like the all of me, just hangs in the balance because i just lack the Love. Like a silly boy waiting for true love and whatnot, but yeah its a huge part of me missing off. I dont know what to do anymore for the most part, but i do know it can bring a difference. Its not like i've never dilamun cinta before, i know it because it drives me crazy.

 

Love is kind. Love is patient. Love is slowy losing your mind.

 

True fact.

Homework (remix)

I swear, do not ever ever attempt to type a chemistry report or complete any homework, with headphones on with volume near 100% and playing this

 

 

You cant get anything achieved except reaching complete clubbing-mode. Maybe its just me very prone to clubbing mode everytime i heard heavy electronic music.

...is bad

I have a fetish. A fetish for movies. It goes the same for songs.

 

Movies are not as bad as mp3 really, for music-wise i just have to own every single damn song i came across. Hence i bought the awesome iPod nano 16GB ( rather than 8GB ), which filled up just a little over 8GB the FIRST TIME i loaded my songs in. Awesome much? Now it sits nearly 10GB ( 9.96GB precisely, i just viewed my iTunes a sec ago ).

 

Movies are like first love. Yeah you heard me, the very moment i set my gaze on the title or trailer, i'll be in love with it. That of course, does not apply to all of the damn movies around the world. Once i've gotten enchanted with one, i have to watch it regardless, which brings me to today's movie wishlist.

 

1. Ip-Man 2. Hell i didnt know that movie is so good untill i've watched it. Got hooked ever since.

2. When in Rome. Dudes like me dig chick-flick/romantic movies as such.

3. Iron-Man 2. Seriously, can you say no to that?

4. Prince of Persia. MOREEEE action movies wootz!

5. Sex and the City 2. Dont laugh, i actually liked sex and the city and i've watched it at a young age on HBO channel. But i'd download it over going to the screens for it, dont think its worth the money.

 

Owh and by the way, i forgot what newspaper add was that, New Straits Time or so, i've been seeing those advertisements on the road side, just plain white background and 2 lines of words. Dang, they play really well with words and really gotten you to think.

 

"If less is more. Is more less?"

 

"Is a zebra white with black stripes? Or black with white stripes?"

 

"Does a professional footballer work? Or play?"

 

Pretty interesting stuff. Thats all, laters!

Broken

I actually studied just now, good progress. And now i'm caught in this maelstorm of emoness again. Friend asked what do i think about love and giving up on it and such, all i could say was

"Dont stop looking for Love. Dont ever stop untill you've found one".

hmm..figures.

This and That

Another day, another entry. Been investing a lot of time into this blog anyways, have so much to say all the time anyways. But somethings are just better off to keep to myself really, but one thing's for sure. This blog aint political and i wouldnt even try to make myself sound gd from my entries, because i tell you - some blogs i read are just so fake sometimes. They've phrased almost everything so commercially. I dont know, least mine's a place for an outlet and somewhere i could vent some of my feelings, thats a given.

 

Many things happened recently, i mean its all minor stuff. Here and there, this and that. Like just now, i just found out the fish that had been badly infected by white spot and were quarantined in my makeshift ICU, initially thought its balance system was severed but a while ago it actually sort recovered. I guess its in a traumatized state now, when i dropped it back into the big aquarium while changing the water for the "ICU", it actually dashed around in the tank like a fish with MAD FISH DISEASE, so fast at lighting speed that its movement is giving my eyes a hard time registering. I felt awful really, to see it suffered so badly, not to mention its tails were extremely in bad shape now.

 

Jonathan's birthday today, but he didnt put it up on facebook. Talked about wanted to know who actually remembered. Hell how could i? lol but thanks to jiayean who reminded me so i...literally could be the first to wished him on facebook. Screw and _|_ those who still claimed theyre the first the wish him happy bday on facebook, hello? L2scroll down and read whos the first? Owh and tianhui a.k.a peanut butter banana guy actually talked to me on msn!.........and the occasion is math assignment -.-. Seriously you jackass, dont do that, and dont ditch ppl in a conversation because it sucks! =(   I'd talk to any of you in Australia any time any day man. Except peigy, im actually intimidated to talk to her. She sounded like she could devour me anytime even through msn, although her ton of voice is still gentle.

 

Had dinner just now, by a dimsum van that drives through my neighbourhood at night. cost my RM9.70 for 1 meal -.- seriously, i've overspent for this month. And now i felt guilt, fat guilt because of

1) overspending money

2) eating fat stuff like dim sum

3) wasted 4 plastic bags by packing those food, hell the van is just right outside my house and i couldve just used a plate.

Which brings me to my solution

1) Declare a state of financial emergency

2) drink chinese tea and workout more

3) took 3 of the cleaner plastic bag, hung them up and aired them so i could reuse them

 

Hmm what else...

 

Nothing much really i shouldnt just type things here just for the sake of typing. Saw a friend's comment on facebook, "everyone also have a person deep inside their heart, nothing special". Which kinda struck me, i'd never thought that way. It almost always appeared i am the only one. Maybe because the person for me just meant so much untill the point that everything else around me seemed invinsible.

 

And i am procrasinating as i type here, been trying to study since 9pm but its a good 11.45pm now and i'd probably head to bed soon. Sara Bareilles - Gravity. Good song anyways.

 

I dont know why would humans emo...it's becoming a habit now really. I couldnt even play my games now. I dont know anymore, i dont know what else to do anymore, i cant think straight anymore...but one thing's a given, i have to hold myself on together because what i wanted would make me selfish...

Love, a different kind.

To think about it, there are people who loves me. A different kind really.

 

Sometimes i live my life suspecting everyone around me, but once in a while i guess i need a gentle reminder that there are people who loves and cares about me, and i too shall pass the love on. Just going to make a little list of examples,

 

1) A friend who decided to take the trouble and helped me with my assignment when i am really stucked, that is untill he forgets to send me the copies lol.

 

2) My neighbour, who always give me their homecook soup nearly on a daily basis. I love homecook soups!

 

3) A certain clown i've known throughout my Uni days who'd once actually bothered to comfort me through an email full of words. I swear i melted the instance i saw the email.

 

4) A BIG friend of mines who accepts me just the way i am.

 

5) All the jerks who bothered to talk to me on msn whenever i put a distress msg as my pm. I know i laughed at you falling for it, but in all honesty i really didnt put it up just to trick you guys. I know you'd probably never knew about it because i was too thick-skinnned to even admit the facts, but i love you all dearly for it.

 

so on and so forth. and i'm probably too shy to mention my mom here. Oh wait, i just did =D.

 

LOVE IS IN THE AIR( a tad late for that i know)

 

Ripway

Godamnit, tell me this is not happening...again!

 

Ripway.com suspended my account for the second time! What crime did i commit on this very surface of this 3rd rock from the Sun, no more malicious and evil than just pure uploading mp3 and embedding them to my blog to deserve a ban!!

 

Wait a second...maybe the copyright infringement was the crime after all. Oh damn. Whatever. Just make a 3rd account whats the big deal LOL. Meantime the song was suppose to be embed was Leona Lewis's - I Got You. Nice song there, check out Miley Cyrus's - When I Look At You as well.

 

Its good to have friends who understands you really. You're one BIG (i'm pretty sure you know who you are haha) friend really, thx =D.

Smoke

The other day my friend sorta had a misunderstanding with one of the lab technician during our laboratory session, it wasnt directly involving me but i had to step out to clear some of the misunderstanding. A mutual understanding was eventually reached, but left me breathless for a while.

 

For the whole day, to be honest.

 

I felt very tensed frankly. It just reminded me a whole lot of things in the past, and all i wanted to do was actually...smoke.

 

 

Incense therapy would work, but i dont have the luxury in Uni.

 

 

Hell thats more like it. Just another problem, i dont carry with me cigarattes all the time and...i dont have friends carrying them around. I dont know what else to say, so many thoughts running in my mind and every breath is a gasp and as though there are a pair of skeletal hands clasped around my neck suffocating me. I just want to grab a stick, smoke it at a corner and just...chill out.

 

Im not a frequent smoker and you can have my words that i have very good health conscious. I smoked only a handful of times, probably much lesser than the max number of fingers on just one of your arm. I sort of remembered the sensation though, and once in a blue moon i think i just need that.

 

Confession

I usually tell others im a free thinker, or whats that fanciful word for it i cannot remember. That alone is a sin. I am a firm believer in God above, however the commitment i put into the religion is an entirely different story. Because mortals like I, think that my judgement can surpasses others sometimes which is untrue, and perhaps devil has stained my eyes and blurred my vision - i could no longer follow nor believe in the direction of certain point of view in the religion.

 

I too however have seen much miracles in my life. Somethings that are far beyond coincidence to even occur in all universal probabilities. That gave me the faith i have now, i talked to Father a lot of times, and also yearned for answers. But little do we know, whenever we stand on a crossroad, only directions can be given not answers. Many lessons i have learnt in my life are also hints given from Him.

 

"When the Lord closes a door, he opens up another window" from the movie Sound of Music

 

That now brings me to my confession today. I slacked and neglected my aquarium, which caused deteoriates the quality of the water and cause viral infection, sometimes also called as white spot. I've seen much of these in my decades of fish breeding experiences and personally save many fishes from the grasp of Satan.

 

But today, i sent one away myself.

 

Upon the deaths of numerous fish, i was left with 12 in the aquarium so i purchased another 4 to top off the numbers. One of them turned out to be a slightly different kind, theyre of silver colour throughout their body, only their fins with bright mango-yellow colour. I handpicked both of them in addition to another species which i also brought in pair. The other appeared longer and the yellow was faint, untill the point i was convinced that it was entirely a different species. You know how i always want things to a certain order and i swear i itch to fix the order whenever theyre randomized. I spent a good amount of time draining the aquarium of water, disinfect the water, cleaning all pipes and filter, and adding new fresh water to sustain my fish.

 

So i fed them just now, noticed one of my beloved one had its tail bleeding and exprience would told me thats a bully case. Usually the rest except the unfortunate one had to be quarantined so the weaker ones could have territorial superiority, and then the fierces ones could be put back into it and hence equality. That usually worked. But no, i took that one out along with the one with the faded-coloured fin i mentioned above and put them in a pail aside. A while after i went back to check, only the injured one left and the "misfit"...turned out to be what i expected...dead outside the pail. Of course i immediately put the injured one back to the aquarium fearing the same would happen.

 

Did i tell you how much guilt i bear when i cleaned the previous dead fishes? I couldnt even see straight into their eyes. And this...was the end product of my malice intention. One part of me isolated it due to compassion - yes, but - the other part of me........wanted it dead. Because of what? Of its appearance?

 

I couldnt tell anymore whether am i doing this intentionally anymore, because i beared much more guilt and recalling what was my thoughts were. I only wanted it to survive because it was behaving very abnormally, secluded and hiding in the timid corner of the shelter i have for them and not eating as per usual. When i see it dead i actually had little remorse. So little that it barely existed. Then guilt overwhelmed me when thoughts of me being so heartless came into my mind.

 

I feared for the worst in the future...and I hope for a chance for redemption...

 

I'm Sorry.

 

 

 

Time

 

Just finished the movie The Time Traveler's Wife.

 

Learnt from the movie that - A good ending is not always neccessary. Sometimes...some things...are just good enough.

 

....good enough just the way they are now. The ending inspired me that. Its not all happy ending and live happily ever after, but [incoming spoiler for thos havent watched it yet] the last part where she run and run and run and they eventually reached each other and hugged. I know and feel it...that its already good enough, even though he dissapears and probably not coming around again.

 

Brings me back to something occuring to me in reality now...i know now what to do.

 

 

Scent

 

I picked up the same scent i've found a while ago. Something that makes me feel like...i'm finally living my life.