There are days where the emptiness of your heart-place implodes and creates a black hole - sort of like the Sun or a collapsing star unable to bear its own gravity anymore.
It's the same - this moment.
There will come a day, where a fighter will put down the sword and the shield, where the javelins no longer travels in mid air. A bow can only strung so many arrows. They tire.
Sometimes it feel like I could transverse a million miles with a willpower made from fire and gold - with practically nothing could battle me down to my knees.
But today feels like I've lost a cause that I'm battling for - losing to the typicality of the ugly side of society, or more specifically, workplace. The beginning I shall say, perhaps.
Undeniably - it's always a fight I started. It has always been - because put it simply, I cannot be pleasing everyone. This a quote I shall remember, by myself for myself,
Being any single bit nicer does not make me any less of the monstrosity I am, so why bother indeed?
A little bit yolo-ish but it is every bit true to be applicable to people like me.
So,
I did treasure the opportunity to be able to align with a key figure whom I regard as important to my life, in terms of this ugly-side-of-society-norm-bullshit - then came this anxiety that it may not have worked accordingly and it may not have stuck to the person, these ideals I mean. It's saddening, and please do not try to convince me to take anxiety pills (because truth to be told, I may have tried convincing myself at some point of time in my life).
And.
It may have been me walking on (just) the shoulder lane of this guilt trip because I started it, but this gets me.
Like, it gets to me. Not because this is something new ( I mean #societyisshit happens since days of medieval days, ha-ha-ha indeed), but because it felt like it was all a scam and it was a probably a facade put up by the one whom I believe to share the same ideals.
Then here you are, all by yourself again.
It's not that you're not used to it, it's more so on the fact that you were staged to have the false pretense that the world is ACTUALLY going to get better slightly better tomorrow, and now someone tips the plate and now your cake is all over the floor.
Then again, I mean again - as mentioned, I started this. So who could I have blamed but my very own self?
That is exactly the infuriating part, the hindsight puts your thoughts and emotions on an endless loop. A mathematical equation that keeps solving by itself and at the same time generating a new unknown. Going to sound egotistical, but I believe this is why it made me excel at my work - at the same time wearing myself down faster than it's suppose to be. Like a pencil lead, it does feel like at some point of time it will break you.
Guess what? This is my daily life.
