Me and Myself

So its a pretty awful morning, just take a look at the time. 3.50am and i still cant sleep, all due to the fact i had an afternoon nap AND coffee for dinner. Way to go Lester...way to go. So while i was trying to sleep just now, my doppelgangers started chatting...

 

Dumb Lester: "Oh dear, its kinda bright...even though its at night!"

 

Smart Lester: "Oh please, your eye's pupil dilates when there is less light intake into your eyes, dont you remember your high school stuffs you dumbass"

 

Dumb Lester: "You dont have to be that offensive right, i mean even our eyes dilates, its still considerably bright, and i could even determine the colour of my blanket"

 

Smart Lester: "Sweet Jesus, you know, your neighbours DO turn on some of their lights at their backyards, and lights reflect? Hello? Come on?"

 

Dumb Lester: "Still, it hasnt has to be THAT bright right?"

 

Smart Lester: "How about the moonlight, you smart fool?"

 

Dumb Lester: "Right...that too. So what? You really dont have to be that bossy right, we can be nice cant we."

 

Smart Lester: "Yeah obviously we could, untill you start bombarding me with all the Nerdgrenades. If the one day you're smart, no one else in the world would ever be dumb."

 

Dumb Lester: "Wow, with all due respect i think you should keep those comments to yourself"

 

Smart Lester: "Oh yea, what if i choose to keep making noises. LALALALALLALAALALA........"

 

Dumb Lester: "...."

 

Smart Lester: "...."

 

At this instance both doppelgangers have their hand grasped around their own neck, and struggling to utter even a word.

 

Lester: "Yes i muted the both of you, now let me sleep."

Dispropotionality between Effort, and Rewards.

This is somewhat getting on my nerves, so i checked my Case Study project for Process System Analysis yesterday for the marks, i actually secured ONLY some 64% out of 110%. Excuse me, i beg your pardon, but did you just award me some 64% which is just barely over the half mark?

 

With all due respect, i made sure i did every single part, and i even checked the marking scheme as to how marks will be awarded / deducted so i would minimize all poosible penalisation, TYPED all my shits out as per requested, that including all the formulas and long ass calculation working. Only to find out that all those hardworks are now in vain. How can it even be just barely past the half mark? That is completely preposterous!

 

I dont know what went wrong because i dont have the opportunity yet to take a look at my own phailpiece, but hey whatever it is, do fate have to be that cruel? And please for christ's sake, dont come patronizing me with all the "life is just like that" and a long half an hour blaffing about how good you were at handling such situations like as if i've never been through such obstacles in my life.

 

I just hate it, because on one hand i am trying to be modest, and giving you your credit if you ever know anything better than me BEFORE i start popping any questions amd trying to sound like im Einstein-2nd-Generation. Guess what next? They'd take me as dumb, and start on their long ass blablabla ya-da-ya-da. Do you guys actually realise i'd actually know so much more than you, and just that i'm holding my mouth next because i dont want to embarass you? Usually they never realise that and i had to pull the HEY-STFU-AND-LISTEN-TO-ME-NOW lever. I'm sure that occasionally happens to me subconsciously, and hey, least i'm making an effort to stop that, DO YOU?

 

On a sidenotes, i think religions should teach people that as well. To have a constant self-awareness and constantly have a self-improving mindset, instead of just blindly commiting the same mistakes again and again, and see that you will get through it by asking forgiveness. Do you hold yourself back when you have the malicious intention of committing homocide, or just simply let your rage to take hold of you, and THEN go crying over spilled milks and ask for forgiveness?

 

You think about it.

 

That was quite a long winded 2 paragraph on a minor issue i brought up couple of paragraphs ago, and i'm really kinda not done with my...dissapointment. I could pass mathematics, because i could handle 60% of the paper; Dynamics as well i guess because my internal marks was sorta high; and hopefully PSA as well because the lecturers did mention this upcoming exam is easier than the mid-term one, and of course physics as well because i think failing a subject is just not an option. Whatever may befall on me, come rain or shine, i'm sure i'll find a way to deal with it.

 

And yesterday i watched a movie again, i guess i was doing it to escape from reality. Unless someone could step in, and give me a reality i dont have to escape from.

 

 

Ill

I know, the title looks like "III" to you huh, its actually

 

I L L

 

So i'm actually feeling a little ill, im guessing its all due to the sheer pressure i'm undergoing now. "I think you have a fear for exams, you used to always falling sick when exams comes back in singapore" stated by my dad. Of course i followed with a bazillion excuses and reasons afterwards.

 

It strucked me serveral times already, that to be happy is really all that matters. But, you know, we tend to forget things. So i was sleeping a little early ( 11.30pm, its early. ) and eventually woke up half an hour afterwards cuz i was feeling hungry. Its a good sign, cheers! So yeah, when i was resting a little, i realized i've gotten quite worked out with the exams. I am myself to be blamed as well for procrasinating, although i dont burn overnight fuel to study but the guilt and stress's there.

 

Well, it cant be that bad even if the worst befalls on me right? I mean, life still goes on man. Don't worry lester, be happy.

 

OH OH, on a side note, today like the 6+ of us went for lunch today, and i chat like i always used to, and in a long time ago. Totally missed that with sloggi, 1901 fangirl, function fxeng, Noi, hx and yaw. So yeah, i should keep my spirits high!

Slow

Funny, time seemed to have elasped at a really slow pace today.

 

In a good way, really. Nothing much, just a thought.

Movieholic

So, i watched the movie "The Confession of a Shopaholic" and i realized that...i'm actually a movieholic!

 

Says the girl in the movie, that shopping is like a HAPPY thing! Everything is gorgeous inside, you swap that magical card, and that thing is...yours! You will have the confidence, the ownership.

 

Thats so much for a shopaholic, what about a movieholic? I dont know...really.

 

As in, what i like about movies, is just that you walk right into the cinema. Its so dark! No one would see your reactions, no one would know how retarded you would look like when you laugh, no one would know how you shed your tears when you're touched, no one would know how you have your jaws widely opened for the full duration of that action scene.

 

Because you used you watched TV in front of your family members and friends or i dont know, you tend to...hide your real thoughts and expressions about the movie. Its a funny movie Madagascar, and you'd be thinking twice..."Is this the right scene to laugh?". Its a sad ending, "Is it very un-manly to actually shed your tears?" Slowly we're actually conformed, we became what we would want others to see. Isnt that something, that really makes you suffocate at times? Think about it, seriously. Least for me it does really.

 

In addition to that, the dark environment in cinema, actually isolates myself from my surrounding people a lot, like the noises and condescending looks on me. I can finally sit down, and feel the character in the movie. How is it to discover something in your life, how is it to actually stand out for something you believe in, how is it to have your loved one to be everything to you, how is it to feel helpless and realizing how silly you are, because all you need is just...ask for help.

 

Like usually you would complain your life is boring and so on, but wont you feel like you've just tour the world one round, let your emotions go on a rollarcoaster? Like everytime when the credits screen comes out and the light comes back in the cinema...dont you just feel like you've just went through the exact same thing as them? Like hey,

 

Life Is FEeling

 

I'd like to have feeling for things, i want to chuckle out loud whenever i really feel like it, i want to get angry if i ever bump into a bitch, i want to cry like a water tap whenever i feel like it, i want to....you get my point. All i know is that im not a boring steel ball like the ones you can cling back and forth like a pendulum with each other just the how it would do to my actual balls - hurting me. I am a godamn ball of fluffy cotton, with feelings. And here i am telling you my feeling, my life.

 

P.S. and the next day, i would get back to reality and study for Dynamics and become a emotionless dummy. Urghh.

 

Measurement of Satisfaction

See i knew it the moment you see the title! You're thinking dirty! Or maybe it was me...hmmm figures.

 

Anyways, just for your info, i love to cook simple meals for myself. Spaghetti, or hams with breads. Actually its just these 2 choice i have currently, unless someone widens my scope on homecook foods, and im too lazy to do internet search for foods.

 

So i was having this crave for a homecook meal, that is very much a typical breakfast in western countries ( but i enjoy it regardless the time of the day )

 

 

Ta-daa!

 

1) Super-Supermarket Bought Garden Salad - Freshly picked from the supermarket's refrigerator, with its perfect packaging and temperature, its freshness is preserved. Coated with icy cool Thousand Island mayonise and topped with crunchy bread-cubes. Delicious!

 

2) Oven-Hot Scrambled Eggs - Two eggs and with care, beaten meticulosly. In addition to that, hot melted juicy bakery-pastry standard butter are perfectly mixed along with the beaten eggs at the ratio of 0.3142 : 1. Using microwave, eggs are taken out and scrabled evenly twice.

 

3) Pan-Toasted Golden Bread - Apply SNOW brand butter on the bread gently, toss it on the hot pan and leave it for 30.25seconds. Carefully placed them on the dish and allow sufficient air ventilation between the breads to prevent excessive moisture to jeopardize the texture of the bread.

 

4) All time favourite sausage&ham - Bits of oil and onto the already heated frying pan. The golden opportunity to obtain a tasty food is when they turn gold. Délicieux!

 

5) Old Town White Coffee ( Not in picture ) - Nothing beats the aroma of a stunningly good white coffee that is as good as your neighbouring kopitiam! Sip by sip, indulge your taste buds into a sensations beyond your mind could comprehend into words.

 

6) Apple ( not in picture ) - Fuck it. LOL. i bought the wrong type of apple from the supermarket! Theyre the soft kind and i hate it a lot! ALL non-crunchy apples shall perish from the face of the Earth damnit! IT SOMEWHAT SPOILED MY ENTIRE MOOD! arghhh. Nonetheless, i still enjoyed 90% of the entire meal.

 

7) Plates ( not in picture ) - Oh wait, can they be eaten? NO! Theyre are meant to be washed, and now i have to do the tiring washing up of all the utensils, its like 30min of washing, 20min of cooking, and 10min of eating. bah.

 

Do you feel hungry? Not my problem. =P laters!

Bakka?

Just something happened just now when i just came back from packing my dinner.

I got back to my house and parked, and then when i tried to move from my car seat,

 

I JUST FUCKING CANT MOVE!

OH MY GOD!

WHAT IS GOING ON?!

WHY CANT I GET OUT OF MY CAR SEAT?!

 

Oh, my seat belt's still on. Damn....

No surprise

I dont know really what to say here, i mean its my blog its a place i can vent my anger and let my heart's content out, but on one hand i really cant. I mean not all things can be published on the net and to a large extend i literally have to check and re-read my entries to ensure no dark spooky godamn fucking secrets leaked.

 

Question : Why do you have so many secret?

 

This is a typical blog where my thoughts are carried away by all other thoughts. Secrets are things, memories and notes that are bext not to be known by the secrets and they belong to you only. Why do people have so many secrets nowadays? Is it because of the stereotyping environment they're living in? Or just simply because they cannot accept who themselves are and hence refuses to share it to their surrounding people?

 

Its like

1) I was once a convict but completed my sentence

2) I am a pokemon fan despite my age

 

First one is of course more towards the environmental factor, another is definitely more towards self-inflicting. I personally can't tell the diffrence, but i'm just hoping it gives you a clearer idea. I'm not a philosopher really, i'm just a godamn science students who had to deal with numbers and algebras all day everyday. Like today, i cant believe i was sitting down in library doing math, and there were literally 6+ pages of math tutorials done all over my table. Came a business student sitting next to me ( all because he was carrying a textbook titled "Business" something ), and i can feel his...pitiness for people like me. Like, "thank god i didnt commit myself into doing such bullcrap like this engineering student here".

 

Whatever. I honestly have no idea what am i talking, and where this is going, and i seriously think you're just reading them all BRIEFLY, see maybe you would jump all the lines just to reach the word "BRIEFLY" because they were big enough to catch your attention. See, you're jumping lines. Fair enough, your eyes are yours to control. Unlike those girls which are always so good at making blogs so ever attractive, they just have the neverending pictures and the font colours etc. See, im not exaclty envious of that, nor would i want to be in their position, by making my blog all colourful, but its a thing i feel somehow inferior towards.

 

You do right? feeling inferior to things surrounding you all the time. I've gotta say i felt ugly most of the time, im not kidding. Dont come telling me i LOOK ok, that aint helping me at all. Only once in a bluemoon only would i feel good looking or maybe by a more rare chance, handsome. I mean sometimes i do feel that in front of my room's mirror, but you can just feel this other doppelganger telling you, you're not! Its a matter of self-confidence, and also a matter of not getting overconfident. Or else you would end up as a narcissist.

 

"He's better in math than me"

"His body is much fit than mines"

"His facial features are more naturally engineered than mines"

"His height is just nice"

 

I just noticed they are all outlook appearance, well most of them are. Why? Because thats what you see FIRST! And i swear most people wouldnt dare to approach me most of the time, and i think its because i usually dont look at people, i gaze into people. To top it off, im always without a pair of glass and sometimes i can give quite powerful stares. Face problems, whatever, i'm trying my best to smile at waitresses or people or whoever already.

 

I'm sitting down here talking bullcrap, and not studying. Typical thing a teenager would say. "Why do we have so much workload and so much to study?" A question pondered in our exponentially growing brain since childhood. Study was a fun thing for me, i used to request for more homeworks back when i wa sin kintergarden, and mind you, i'd always secure the first place for every single tests back those days. Untill the days in primary school, then i started to hate study. I despised it so much that my grades eventually started dropping. it was fun, then a pain, then a duty. It is a duty for us now, don't you feel it? You no longer say NO to studying for exams, you just do it after a while due to guilt and duty and responsibility as a child.

 

Just a side note, i still felt right doing what i did couple years back. I was on a scholarship, and i moved to GCE A lvls in singapore after my long 3 years of O lvls, and then all of a sudden i just decided to terminate my scholarship, and made my parents paid for a sum of money that even YOUR parents would take weeks to think about it. I got a feeling they were already waiting for that one signal i'm going to give, and it was just a matter of time.

 

It was just at that very moment back on the hostel that time, i know i was very very unhappy. Just plain unhappy, as in you could not find joy in anything you do. Trust me it was not because i was very naive or narrow-minded, it was because the environment i lived in, is just against of what made who i am.  So i heard the next voice asking me is this what i want? To grow up like so unhappily? And to have my soul scarred and hurt and i would grow to be the next breed of "sad people"? And that i would breathe pain and misery into other people's life? And make them carry on with this unending vicious cycle?

 

NO!

 

I want to be happy. I want my soul back, i want to live a lively life! I want control of my life back! It is my life, and I AM the one in control! I dont give a shit what others said about Singapore is a good educational place, and a easier route to success. NO! I want something in my life, i would do it MY WAY! I don't give a shit what you're telling me, i will do what i believe! I will find a mean to suceed in life, and i can do it without your fucking help! Trust me, its a lot of...i don't know what word to use. I just mean it, like literally MEAN it when i say that. Like me wanting my life back.

 

Thats a lot of things said. I really paused after the last sentence, went to my kitchen for a drink, and finally let go a long sigh. Like, at times i just need a pair of ears to just listen to me, although in this context i had it typed out, but i would really want something to be let out. Its a pressure cooker inside really, and its bad to keep things. Like i said, this blog entry is not like a planned eassay to talk about a particular society issue, its just plainly a guy's place to vent his anger etc.

 

I watched the movie "He's just not that into you" just now tho. Nice movie really. Nothing much really.

3rd Anniversary

Yes folks, this blog has been around for 3 years!

 

3 years!

 

Nothing much about it really. Anyways i came across few quotes, quite meaningful

 

"The worst way of missing someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them"

"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world"

 

To think about it, i think i might have the answer to why am i so angry, jealous of things all the time. Well the thing is, i might already have the answer a long long time ago, just that i've been living in denial.

 

Life is a question, but living it will give you the answer.

 

I just know it, its just a matter of time. One decade, and clock's still ticking.