what if

Don't hate me for this, I know its totally inappropriate and I swear I usually would never prompt this question in normal day to day speech, hell, I've never asked that thus far. Just curious, if under any unfortunate circumstance you were at the wrong place at the wrong time and got into an accident and was at the verge of dying - 

Can you still breathe your last breaths peacefully and cherished all that you've lived and leave with no regrets?

I wish I could. Maybe its the thought of that allowed me to be able to cherish my every waking moment. Maybe not every single one of it, at least the most of it?

Holiday's a really good time though, takes your mind off the materialistic in a good way. Had enough time to think thoroughly through things etc. 

( Digress. I got my first High Distinction grade this semester! Whilst everyone had four HDs every semester, I got my first after entering university. Doesn't change the fact that my average marks improved and I got my first HD which is such---a---delight! )

Unfortunately a friend amongst us still struggle with issues of friends and loneliness. I always seemed to be his last resort before he takes the final straw. Although in addition to couple more adversaries, I still think they are broke even with the age he is now. God did give me ample signs to reach out to this lost soul and give him a helping hand, but in all honesty I have no idea what to do either. Time and time again I have failed to send the message that "I couldn't help you if you don't help yourself" out across to him. All this sounded all too familiar anyways, and it's also not like I have not been through solitary before. Simply put it this way, if you could not handle solitary, it just simply goes to mean you dislike being with yourself. As much as I would want to help, sorry there is only so far I could go. I do not stand on firm solid grounds, I have issues of my own as well. 

In the midst of all the ruckus and talking I did also mention that we shouldn't all be too stubborn sometimes. Sometimes, some things are just not meant to be ours. After which I thought to myself again about what I said and was reminded by what you said. You said if we love someone, we shouldn't be cowardly and we should think about how we can give them better than what they have.

What if...

I really think I couldn't afford to give anything better? Isn't this the time for me to just back off? As much as I want it, and I want it so very dearly, and because I want it so dearly I could never fathom myself losing it even further. For this I will have to respectfully disagree with you. Sorry but this is really not mine's to take, and I choose to back off because it is never love to snatch, it is selfishness to rob something and have it turn to ash in your hands. 

Besides, it is foolish for me to dwell on issues out of my reach. I am still thankful for having friends which I could just hang out, like, really just hang out. There still beautiful things around other than the ones I truly cared for, if only I choose to take my eyes off for a while. Which I did, and I was glad.

( At Mt Dandenong, yesterday )