Repositioning

Thanks for reminding me what is important - that is everything else but this.
This lie and facade.

It is very tiring.

Rising

I've been happy for a long while, it's like I've been in a long dive and the water has been cushioning me.
I was very well distracted, well secluded from the outside world.
It's a prolonged moment of utter silence, where my own existence is encased and self-sustaining. 
I would whisper "It's ok. I'm safe. No one can hurt you here" almost infinitely.

The doors are shut.
The decibels flattened.

Then like a surge of current, it all came right back at me.
There's no severing to that part of me. 
I surfaced and there they all are...

Imagine all the cries, the echoes, the pleads.
Imagine them all taking a physical form, just standing still. Stares locked onto you. 
Imagine your helplessness as the eye contacts disables you and emotions poured through the window of the soul.
Imagine the suffocation, the overwhelming pressure of the air and the asphyxiation. 

Like vintage movie clips, you dash through all the death threatening glances.
A whisper into a murmur. Then softly spoken. And the anger intensifies, yelling would soon take place.





Head's back into water.
Where tears, an embodiment of your emotion would be immiscible with the surrounding water. 
So dense it would fall like it would in a medium of air. Yes, just like that. 
You composed yourself. Eventually this sanctuary would be an escape.
It's always an escape, its just that when you're neck deep into this addiction -
the lies, the deindividuation...
it becomes your sanctuary.

All year

I always dreamed about this better life.
I've always felt it coming all along.

Sometimes in life the turns of events just happen to oscillate your mood to the max amplitude that you just know you're not a sorry lad, and that your life is just plain awesome. 

I have already got the keys to paradise, it just feels like...I could do this all day for the year of 2014!

Besides, I just went whitewater rafting at Ulu Slim River in Perak today. Boy was it fun! 

Addition

Don't blame me for my hot temper or my cold-bloodlessness,
blame the world and yourself.  

No unstable core of an entity can be stable as a whole,
even if it does it doesn't last. 
Even if it last it's just a facade,
a self-consuming facade. 

A Walk Down Memory Lane

Sometimes when you let your mind wonder,

you really do wonder,

what if things were a little different,

and how things would pan out.

It's either the wavy ups and downs,

or the monotonous river stream.

Dilemma.

You really do wonder. 

Demons in me

Happen to walk in the rain for couple of minutes to my plant through the muddy roads and the murky puddles of water.

I don't know, it's the gloomy grey skies and the drizzles that form the uniform droplets rebound on the water's surface. That instance in time where you're looking down and watching your steps, and rain's all falling around you with the clicks on your helmet; hands in your pockets and you wrap that jacket tightly around yourself. The utter silence where all works were put to a halt.

There it is - a strange surge of serenity. It felt like as though everything was over, but you can't be too sure as to what exactly is over. But you feel it right there and then, and you can hear your own voice in your head, loud and clear, with a calm tone, echoing throughout the domains of your imagination and to the furthest extent and corners where your thoughts could occupy. 

"It's finally over"

...is all I felt at that moment. Maybe it's also the feeling of being in the present.

There is another moment in the day as well, where your colleagues and boss were discussing about work related issues. Somehow at that moment you've just decided to somewhat tip-toe and tread playfully on the edges of the elevated pedestrian walkway. Speeches blurred, watching your footsteps, extending your arms trying to balance yourself out. At that moment too I felt like I'm in the present, nothing else really matters, not even the documents I was holding onto.

Then you take a leap off, look right back up and back at them, and join back at their conversation. Oh boy, did I really swung my documents too hard trying to balance myself, pen's flew off too when it's supposed to be pinned together with the papers. 

It's times like these that I really feel closest to myself, and god knows - maybe it's coincidence too that the moment where I've felt furthest away from evil is the same instance where I've dropped my pen behind. I did pick it up, and still lost it eventually at the end of the day. 

...shit. Something just became clear to me. Maybe God had a part to play in this, or maybe not - but it's really the demon in me that I'm looking at, and it's a gentle reminder by Him, wanting me to see it. 

Everything happened today suddenly seemed more than just coincidence. 

Versus

Let me tell you this, that moment where you claimed that I'm a typical young man who is always afraid to make mistakes, and always wanted perfection - you're wrong.

It killed me a little inside.

There is a difference between holding an empty box and a handful of sand with your own bare hands. 

You people commonly mistaken us, those with a handful of mountainous of sand in our palm as those who are born with a silver spoon. It took us pain to thrust our hands into the scorching hot sands and lift it all up. We may be deemed to be really lucky to have everything in our lives but we're short of one thing - time. Sands erode and it's a depreciating asset.

On the other hand, those who are holding a box would always stare into that box of theirs and declare that they're worse than us in terms of fate and luxury. I mean what c'mon, it's a promising future for you - so much room for improvement and space to expand. It won't slip away, it could be perfectly tucked into that cardbox of yours. Why the complaint? Because you and your tunnel visioned pair of eyes could only perceive that empty space and not, literally, think outside of the box. 

We're not perfectionists, we're just downright afraid. So darn terrified of letting loose of what we've worked so hard to get. We're too careful, we're cursed in that manner. 

We're constantly in a try-hard mode.  

We're constantly being mistaken. You just don't get it or probably won't. I'll just have to wait until the one day where a staple diet of yours is taken off you, then only it'll hit you - that you're travelling on a promising one-way lane that leads to the cliff; rather than the crossroads, which of course you'll start the endless rant on how you're always feeling directionless since you were in high schools. Or how you did not know why you pick that certain degree from your university. 

Do you get it? We run on an hourglass. We can see the end so clear that we're so terrified that we're desperate to treasure everything we have and stay in the present. So much so we would just want to be stagnant and freeze this paradigm shift of time. To top it off, it pisses us off when you don't even try at things and gets sloppy with your life. 

I'm not a perfectionist, I just tried so hard that I lose myself sometimes. The mental state of those two does not go in sync.