Confession

I usually tell others im a free thinker, or whats that fanciful word for it i cannot remember. That alone is a sin. I am a firm believer in God above, however the commitment i put into the religion is an entirely different story. Because mortals like I, think that my judgement can surpasses others sometimes which is untrue, and perhaps devil has stained my eyes and blurred my vision - i could no longer follow nor believe in the direction of certain point of view in the religion.

 

I too however have seen much miracles in my life. Somethings that are far beyond coincidence to even occur in all universal probabilities. That gave me the faith i have now, i talked to Father a lot of times, and also yearned for answers. But little do we know, whenever we stand on a crossroad, only directions can be given not answers. Many lessons i have learnt in my life are also hints given from Him.

 

"When the Lord closes a door, he opens up another window" from the movie Sound of Music

 

That now brings me to my confession today. I slacked and neglected my aquarium, which caused deteoriates the quality of the water and cause viral infection, sometimes also called as white spot. I've seen much of these in my decades of fish breeding experiences and personally save many fishes from the grasp of Satan.

 

But today, i sent one away myself.

 

Upon the deaths of numerous fish, i was left with 12 in the aquarium so i purchased another 4 to top off the numbers. One of them turned out to be a slightly different kind, theyre of silver colour throughout their body, only their fins with bright mango-yellow colour. I handpicked both of them in addition to another species which i also brought in pair. The other appeared longer and the yellow was faint, untill the point i was convinced that it was entirely a different species. You know how i always want things to a certain order and i swear i itch to fix the order whenever theyre randomized. I spent a good amount of time draining the aquarium of water, disinfect the water, cleaning all pipes and filter, and adding new fresh water to sustain my fish.

 

So i fed them just now, noticed one of my beloved one had its tail bleeding and exprience would told me thats a bully case. Usually the rest except the unfortunate one had to be quarantined so the weaker ones could have territorial superiority, and then the fierces ones could be put back into it and hence equality. That usually worked. But no, i took that one out along with the one with the faded-coloured fin i mentioned above and put them in a pail aside. A while after i went back to check, only the injured one left and the "misfit"...turned out to be what i expected...dead outside the pail. Of course i immediately put the injured one back to the aquarium fearing the same would happen.

 

Did i tell you how much guilt i bear when i cleaned the previous dead fishes? I couldnt even see straight into their eyes. And this...was the end product of my malice intention. One part of me isolated it due to compassion - yes, but - the other part of me........wanted it dead. Because of what? Of its appearance?

 

I couldnt tell anymore whether am i doing this intentionally anymore, because i beared much more guilt and recalling what was my thoughts were. I only wanted it to survive because it was behaving very abnormally, secluded and hiding in the timid corner of the shelter i have for them and not eating as per usual. When i see it dead i actually had little remorse. So little that it barely existed. Then guilt overwhelmed me when thoughts of me being so heartless came into my mind.

 

I feared for the worst in the future...and I hope for a chance for redemption...

 

I'm Sorry.