I, Lester

I, Lester.

 

thought this is a gd picture...

So anyways i bumped back into the song by Flyleaf - All Around Me

 

You've gotta admit she looked a little crazy in the MTV...but honestly speaking i felt a little like her in the inside. =X

Now that you've probably listening to the song autoplaying in the background which is the same song i mentioned a sec ago, i shall go with today's entry. I'm making an entry today because - i dont know. I just have to type something i guess?

Oh god i think the song is driving me cracy, like it did to me 2 years ago. Headache argh, but i cant stop from self from listening to it. Replaying for the 4th time in a row now i guess? I think my brain needs an outlet really, so many thoughts stucked there in a viscious endless cycle bombarding my head with thoughts of such weight. Theyre heavy, mind you.

Oh, after listening to the song i now finally recalled how is it like to want to smash things and smash and smash and smash. Music really have profound effects on human emotions i swear, or its just me who are terribly sucesptible to them?

....I just realised im pulling my hair. Lol dang!

I'm crazy am i not?

 

 

Hide and Seek

Another day, another entry. I noticed most of my blog entries are quite emotional, its not like my life is engulfed in constant emotional state where waves after waves of misfortune would keep crashing onto me continuosly and endlessly. Its just that i have lack the drive to blog about something cheerful. Its not like something delightful never happened, its just that i have a higher tendency of blogging about feelings that were otherwise unheard for most people around me. Why and why is that so?

 

It soon came to my realization, and i guess im just like everyone else, theres a part of ourselves still clinging onto the steely cold bars and struggling to get out of this cell. We want to be heard, beacause we caged our most truthful-self to...ourselves, and also lacked the courage to really open ourselves to others. See, thats how this "open ourselves" term came about. So...i guess i want to be heard as well but another part of myself would shut myself off.

 

The coat to your innermost thoughts, are like the 21st century lock. It can double lock, and triple quad and on.

Every turn you've made to lock it further, the harder it is to turn it the other way round and unlock it.

 

It just gets harder to spit out all your cries within you isnt it? I still wonder, will something devastating happen in the future? So badly i could once and for all pour out all my feelings, and then find myself back again amidst of all the already shed scales and skins. Dead scales and skins.

 

Its been hard to express my feelings nowadays, and sometimes i just want to cower back into my sanctuary by just hugging. Hugs always give me the sense of security, and i'd wont have to register the words "its alright" or "its ok" through my ears to feel it.

 

...

...

...

...

 

Hmm what did you say? *TACK* the sound of keys clinging against the inner lining of the lock and the reinforcement of the lock, tucks the key away into the pocket and walks away.

Just so you know

Bumped into another song again, Jesse McCartney's - Just So You Know. Its some old school song really, but i heard it on FlyFM and i just have to get a hand on the music.

 

That and classes resumed today, ( 107 ) Days of Summer. I have had enough rest thats what i could say, i'm not whining nor did i whine that the holiday was too long. It was a long break yes, but its a break neccessary for me. I need to quieten my thoughts down really, reflect on things and move on with things. All of these have a common currency - Time.

 

Back to music, i got Leona Lewis's - I See You, an Avatar soundtrack song. On top of that and also Lady Gaga's - Monster. I had it a while already just havent heard of it lol. And again, there are really good music around.

 

Back to school life haha, i still missed the past days where everyone is always together with each other. I liked it a lot last year, and was very grateful for having that opportunity. This year however was what i was afraid of the most. Separation. Because i lived a life with very few close and longlasting friendship, i soon become very sensitive when comes to these kind of things. Since the days of Form 1, Form 2, three years of "O" Level, three months in one junior college and another three months in another junior college, and one year in a local college and one year in Uni...all in a different environment...

 

You tell me, where else can i fall back to if i dont have you in the present?

 

Sad fact, sad past. Its something that no one should go through, and yet its something someone has gone through and shaped the person differently...forever. As much as i hate what i've traded off, im still grateful for the experiences i've gained. Little people would know about this, and little would ask. At least i've never denied my desires, because its not something shameful really. I just want to be honest, and i dont want to hide my feelings and pretend anymore.

 

Because its tiring.

 

Ok

My blog isnt the most fanciful one around haha. Anyways bumped into Paramore's - Turn it Off. Hell its a damn good song (and again its embeded in my blog hence you can try to listen to it. Try IE if Firefox doesnt display the player. However if this is not the latest post the song may be different )

 

 

Not to mention i love the album cover as well, Brand New Eyes. I found part of the lyrics to be very meaningful

And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall
I will realize I'm better off
When I hit the bottom

 

Saw a comment on youtube of the music video and it actually meant "it is about wanting everything to be ok, praying it's gonna get better and u keep wishing until u realize everything is getting worse. Hayley is trying to say she's better off just letting things happen". Dang i definitely feel some sense of attachment to the lyrics then.

 

Some music artists just never fail to impress you in some way, the first time i heard this song is through the radio and you know...the typical me would grab the phone on and capture a segment of the lyrics with my right hand and keying it into my phone, and with the other arm holding the car steering down. The melody of this song definitely creates a resonance with my recent mood. And hell, the lyrics have relevance to my feelings as well.

 

There are really still good music out there, you'll just have to listen carefully and feel it. I guess this songs says it all, for my feelings and today's entry.

 

 

Couldnt

 

It was full of lies. I thought it was very well handled, and i thought i could lie to myself. So i did, untill time uncover that sorrowful grave i've dug for myself, with barehands stained with guilt and regret. I just couldnt tell you, and repeat the same mistake again. At least i could keep things the way they are now.

 I thought could finally get over you...maybe.

I just need more time...

 

 

I See You

 

So i just finished the TV series Glee.

 

 

 

Its actually kinda good honestly. A combination of musical and comedy, and i'd love the musical part. Loved couple of the songs.

Thats, and I rewatched Avatar again! A good movie is a good movie nonetheless.

 

Now put aside all those TV series and entertainments, funny how i just some angry voice telling me something like "didnt we bury those cursed things down beneath the Earth's crust?" and also "havent you guys melted enough ice?". Strange. First one would refer to fuels and petrols, the other would relate to global warming. I actually felt angry for a while and wondered, hey didnt i pump those fuel in and drive a car all the time?

 

Now again, put aside all the entertainment and the go-green act, its time to wake up from a long dream. A long holiday. Couple of them are leaving for Aus, transferring to the Monash campus located in Clayton, Australia. Jonathan, Tian Hui and Peggy are some of them to named, and honestly i really don't know anyone else or probably...just forgotten. My brain is not fit to remember repetative stuffs like alphabets and numbers, hence names etc.

 

Jonathan and Tian, thanks for the memory and the fun.

 

I know Jonathan aint the easiest guy to talk to nor easiest to approach, sometimes he would lead a particular conversation to an extend i would just go silent, like seriously silent because i've really got no idea how to converse with him sometimes. Difficult guy really, and the frequent "oh really?", damn but hey he's pretty cool and i guess you can say hes a man to his words. "Insanity, i tell you", yeah hes still a nice friend nice chap to have around honestly.

 

Tian is another fella who will not fail to surprise you, both in a good and bad way seriously. Very typical of a jerk sometimes, but hey at least he kept his promises - promises that i would expect no one to fulfill at all. I'm referring to swimming. That, and god bless EeLing and you.

 

Bye bye...and see you again? =D

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Self-conflicting

So it suddenly struck me today, i realised i've been unhappy for a really long time.

 

For most fashion models, they would tell you to feel good on the outside, you have to first feel good about yourself from within. Of which such pleasant feeling can be achieved through dietary means and whatnot. Hence, for us to really be the kind friendly person, we must of course have in possesion of a joyful soul. Its all about our innerself really, who we are on the outside reflects who we are inside...sometimes.

 

In all honestly, i think thats the contributing factor to why as i am always so hot tempered and repulsive. However i guess life is a journey towards self-understanding. Piece by piece i will put myself together and someday i'll get the full picture.