Confession

I usually tell others im a free thinker, or whats that fanciful word for it i cannot remember. That alone is a sin. I am a firm believer in God above, however the commitment i put into the religion is an entirely different story. Because mortals like I, think that my judgement can surpasses others sometimes which is untrue, and perhaps devil has stained my eyes and blurred my vision - i could no longer follow nor believe in the direction of certain point of view in the religion.

 

I too however have seen much miracles in my life. Somethings that are far beyond coincidence to even occur in all universal probabilities. That gave me the faith i have now, i talked to Father a lot of times, and also yearned for answers. But little do we know, whenever we stand on a crossroad, only directions can be given not answers. Many lessons i have learnt in my life are also hints given from Him.

 

"When the Lord closes a door, he opens up another window" from the movie Sound of Music

 

That now brings me to my confession today. I slacked and neglected my aquarium, which caused deteoriates the quality of the water and cause viral infection, sometimes also called as white spot. I've seen much of these in my decades of fish breeding experiences and personally save many fishes from the grasp of Satan.

 

But today, i sent one away myself.

 

Upon the deaths of numerous fish, i was left with 12 in the aquarium so i purchased another 4 to top off the numbers. One of them turned out to be a slightly different kind, theyre of silver colour throughout their body, only their fins with bright mango-yellow colour. I handpicked both of them in addition to another species which i also brought in pair. The other appeared longer and the yellow was faint, untill the point i was convinced that it was entirely a different species. You know how i always want things to a certain order and i swear i itch to fix the order whenever theyre randomized. I spent a good amount of time draining the aquarium of water, disinfect the water, cleaning all pipes and filter, and adding new fresh water to sustain my fish.

 

So i fed them just now, noticed one of my beloved one had its tail bleeding and exprience would told me thats a bully case. Usually the rest except the unfortunate one had to be quarantined so the weaker ones could have territorial superiority, and then the fierces ones could be put back into it and hence equality. That usually worked. But no, i took that one out along with the one with the faded-coloured fin i mentioned above and put them in a pail aside. A while after i went back to check, only the injured one left and the "misfit"...turned out to be what i expected...dead outside the pail. Of course i immediately put the injured one back to the aquarium fearing the same would happen.

 

Did i tell you how much guilt i bear when i cleaned the previous dead fishes? I couldnt even see straight into their eyes. And this...was the end product of my malice intention. One part of me isolated it due to compassion - yes, but - the other part of me........wanted it dead. Because of what? Of its appearance?

 

I couldnt tell anymore whether am i doing this intentionally anymore, because i beared much more guilt and recalling what was my thoughts were. I only wanted it to survive because it was behaving very abnormally, secluded and hiding in the timid corner of the shelter i have for them and not eating as per usual. When i see it dead i actually had little remorse. So little that it barely existed. Then guilt overwhelmed me when thoughts of me being so heartless came into my mind.

 

I feared for the worst in the future...and I hope for a chance for redemption...

 

I'm Sorry.

 

 

 

Time

 

Just finished the movie The Time Traveler's Wife.

 

Learnt from the movie that - A good ending is not always neccessary. Sometimes...some things...are just good enough.

 

....good enough just the way they are now. The ending inspired me that. Its not all happy ending and live happily ever after, but [incoming spoiler for thos havent watched it yet] the last part where she run and run and run and they eventually reached each other and hugged. I know and feel it...that its already good enough, even though he dissapears and probably not coming around again.

 

Brings me back to something occuring to me in reality now...i know now what to do.

 

 

Scent

 

I picked up the same scent i've found a while ago. Something that makes me feel like...i'm finally living my life.

 

Height

Just bumped by something,

 

 

To think that she is 180cm tall, and i'm probably just 3cm taller than her, which is some negligible differences...scares me. She is as tall as me! Damn! Of course thats impressive in asian contexts, and still that height is not common for a lady.

 

Just some interesting facts.

Think, not.

I guess my mom's right. She said i should stop thinking about things too much. Which in fact, i do all the time.

 

Think about what i did in the day, how people react to it, why do they react in such a way, is there any poosibility they might react otherwise if i said otherwise, what are the consequences, what effects will it dawn on me the next day and in the near future, can i mend it back, can i just ignore it, is there an importance to what happened earlier, will it have a snowballing effect on what i did to him/her in the past, does she/he mind, did i do that subconsciously to others as well, is it a bad habit or attitude, is it my problem or theirs to deal with, why are they behaving as such, do others think its fine or its an issue, what do i think of him/her in the future, what will become of the person, what will become of me, are these characteristics i should look out for in the future, will these characteristic give me an advantage, are these vales people are lacking, why is that so...

 

so on and so forth....

 

Do you think that much?

 

One thing's for sure, everyday i thought of something and the next day another thing, and sometime in the future, i know they will somewhat be connected. It struck me the other day, i was telling another friend of mines about Avatar's "Wake up, Jake! Wake up!" and then i felt as if a wire had been connected and it suddenly occur to me, hey "Wake up, Jake, wake up" had a pattern of "X, , X" and i linked it to the movie's director and i recalled seeing the movie emphasizing "From the directors of Titanic" and i realized hey, "X, , X" sounded familar in Titanic.

 

"Come back, Jack, come back". There you go.

 

Don't know, i honestly felt my brain is a little unique but hey, as far as i know i should be normal just like everyone else right? Wait...i swear i just found out something again. Its correct that i should feel unique! There is nothing too wrong with it, because its like what people usually say...that we're all unique! So if we're all unique from each other, which SHOULD be the case, then thats normal!! ( or you've already realised that a long time ago? -.- )

 

Whatever, but i think there are further understanding in that to be discovered. Maybe if i think harder i might get it. Hold on a second...i'm thinking again...damn.

Quotes

Ok this is going to be the most random entry ever.

 

I actually wanted to note it down somewhere but couldnt. Yesterday while i was watching a programme on discovery Channel, one of the shushi chef in the programme said

 

"We dont do a lot of things at 100%, we do a hundred things at 1% more. And thats what quality is all about".

 

Hell, that was indeed very very well said!

Guilt, fat guilt.

So, i was very much contented with what i achieved in the afternoon. I ate just 2 piece of swiss roll and 2 slices of bread for lunch. Amazing much? I'd thought i could save money and also cut down on the soon-to-come-in-decade-tummy-fats. Hell, during dinnertime i started craving for something....i dont know, fulfilling? lol im not sure even thats the word to use. Guess its applicable to me since "A good meal is not all about how delicious the food is, its about how fulfilling you've felt and how satisfied towards the end of the meal".

 

Dim Sum. Yes, thats what came to my mind.

 

 

Look good huh? I bet the price of RM11.50 for one meal looks better.

 

"Well done, Lester". Yes, thats coming from my doppleganger. Ester's her name, actually i used to refer to my inner-bitch that name, stopped using that since college days because

 

1) AUSMAT, during the first meetup of the first lesson of the first day of the first week, when we were introduing ourselves to the entire class. The girl, whose turn next's me to introduce, was named Ester Chow. Whats the probability and chances? You'll never know, i still remember how akward was it to stress on the "L" when it was my turn to introduce. Got a tsunami of chuckles and laughters towering me and came clashing down on me next.

 

2) A certain someone's girlfriend has the name as well in Uni. Probably a good idea to not remind him of his girlfriend. Especially when i have similar name.

 

Yes, "Well done, Lester". So much for trying to save money? You still end up paying for 2 meals today anyways. Thats one. Another is when i unwrap the dim sums, oh gosh, the amount of oil pouring out is staggering. I couldnt help but keep imagining where those oils will go into my body. But but but, i have the awesome green tea at home which i literally cant stop myself from drinking it...everyday.

 

 

This! Look at all the goodness a cup of greentea promises! (Mines was a much bigger cup really). And bites on an apple afterwards really made me felt better.

 

Second entry of the day, hmm.