Christmas

This Christmas, have been unfortunately been very unhappy for me. That is of course, I am put into an undesirable situation where I felt compelled and extremely forced to comply to it. Besides, the recent meeting with friends from various networks bored me a lot, not implying my change of heart, but it does bore me and it only means one thing when this occurs to me - I haven't been spending time with myself. Hence the need for me to actually sit at home and do absolutely nothing but be with myself in solitary, confinement, absolute stillness and peace. Which honestly speaking, I've been really wanting this Christmas holiday to fulfill that role and unfortunately I really do feel like I've been robbed of that. There's really no way around phrasing it and there is really no point in sugarcoating it, it's just how I feel.

I really do commit at work and I feel tired already for being so committed to one thing already, to have a second issue to be shoved down your throat will agitate you. Although the recent issue of being sickened with a certain friend or two does hold true, because of events of late which really allow me to see who that person really is. There is nothing but disappointments and complete loss of faith, trust and hope in that person. There is no longer value in the friendship, hell, I wouldn't even call you a friend, rather just a "contact" now. Although to digress the topic a little bit, I do hate people who ask to be invited. There are numerous of them who does it subconsciously and I feel disgusted usually. I would never do so and sometimes when I sense something off with a certain invitation that was done so commercially or just a display of good manner to just ask you, I would turn it down, although usually sometimes some friend would term that as "loner" or "unsociable" which I would like to correct you right here and now, to take it back and categorize it as the said reason above.

All in all, I am still very unhappy with the fact that my mind therapy schedule is reduced to ashes. Although it still struck me just now that, perhaps God is reminding me of the discovery of what I really want a long time ago - that nothing else really matters, when I could not be happy.

residual

Woke up from a what seems like a lifetime in a dream

Opened my eyes and stared into stranger surroundings

Conscience are like drug injections

Killing my o' fairy land 

in my dearest memories

When all but seems ash of my dreamories

Stood still a residual of it

a light so tiny but never-fading in this pitch black warzone

Sands of time all but eroding that light as we speak

but still hung a glimpse of that precious dream

still so clear in thy eyes until me arms are around it

and here it is -

That blue ink pen drawing on a tiny foolscap paper

with funny triangle shapes and circles 

and a kindergarten sun in the middle of it all

tucked into the safest corner of my wallet

without my knowing

without my awareness

when I fell asleep on you

because I know I'm safest around you

This moment reality is at full gauge

This moment reality is my lens that filter my sight

but that slip of paper will forever resides in me

that uncontested memory of your drawing 

that is so... YOU

 will remind me that you still care

and your voice echoed

"It's ok" 

just another day

It is. Maybe that's how the world seemed like when you lock yourself in your room for an extended amount of time, where the sky and the trees is what you see only from that tiny window frame from inside the room. You can say its as if I'm the frog in the well, but that's if you choose to see it that way. Things just seem to be pretty much the same from the same point of view. The unchanging world, where I would sometimes just take a minute break from my studies and sort of just stare into the outside scenery and let my mind go blank for a minute. It's a good view really, all I see are trees and grass and the blue blue skies, not even a hint of civilization (pavements, roofs whatsoever).

Don't get me wrong, I'm not putting up a fit with how boring my life is. Its just how calm things are, if you just sort of close your eyes or tuck yourself away to some desolated place for a period of time. Rid yourself from the newspaper, of the war going around, of the politics and all its atrocities, and all the catastrophic disasters befalling on mankind. 

"Ignorance is a bliss"

=)

需要人陪

哈，那今天心血来潮，就来个华语的“博克”输入。

今天呢，就完成了另一张考试卷子， 可能是因为下一张考卷是在下周星期二，感觉上就好像还有挺多时间的呢。那也避免不了，难得辛苦了一阵子，有时也得疼自己一下。人家也有说吗，正所谓“休息就是为了走更长远的路“，有时候我的脑袋也真的不能承受这么多的压力和熬煎，也得坐下来，对着电脑放空一下。

既然在考试的话题， 那就得说说第一份考卷。我也倒是觉得有失望。就。。。令场表现可以差得这么样吗？就有一个题目我中途中就困住了，那只好把它丢下先， 赶快完成其他的题目。那题呢，到最后我有总共差不多四十分钟呢。 我想也想不到，堂堂一个十几年的读书生，就连那一行字也没读到。那题目里关键的一行字，我保证你，我可以五分钟内完成他。唉，天真的是有不测风云，我偏偏就在最后那一分钟看到。哇塞，你可以想象我那时可真有多不甘愿。 我明明整份卷子可以胸有成竹的把它完成，还闭门念书。搞得我差点走火入魔，就为了那个HD.

也许是因为那件事，希望也放低好多了。目标放低了，说真的，人也放松好多了。

晚餐之后都没做些什么有建设性的事情，就一直看《康熙来了》。难免看多了也会厌倦，所以就飘落到现在，无所事事，也无思乱想。有时也不知道为何我有这么多繁杂的思想，怪不得我白头发这么多，害得我时不时得染头发，不然就天天有那沧桑的脸色。

忧从中来，何以解愁

有时候，还真的不知道自己可以撑到几时。那些创伤的呐喊，就每天这样埋在自己的心坎里，每天都告诉自己“我还能撑多一天！”。奇怪的是我也没有要日夜有人分担这负担，反而很坚持的觉得这毕竟是我的私事。 但众多人当中，也得感谢（只有）一位，能够聆听我的哭诉， 能够彻底的了解我的心情。就这么一次，就很足够了。 我觉得我对我人生，打从心里，也没什么抱怨了。

Waiting.

Just something I did during my study breaks.

Of spring and blueberry muffins

Spring is back and the tree outside my room is blooming with leaves again. See that kettle? Its dying soon and it served me a good year =) about time I go home already.

Finished all assignments last week, and have the first examination paper coming next Tuesday. Internship's settled, flight ticket as well. Going to look for houses over the course of the holiday, buy AirAsia ticket back to Aus this holiday too, and also a concrete plan for moving our stuff to our friend's house after our exams. The same bunch of friend offered their place for us to stay for next year's house huntin' too.

Weather's pretty warm these few days. With nearly as much as 26C for Monday and Tuesday, and thank goodness it rained the next few days. Gloomy days with rain as the toppings make me happy, for some odd reason. So much for being "gloomy" eh?

I bought blueberry muffins again from Coles. They do cost a little bit too much but they taste good. Every damn thing I've bought recently has a countdown timer on them, and all of them are expected to finish by mid-Nov. Going to get a haircut this coming Tuesday because beauty comes at a price. I'm just kidding, I just don't want to be bothered by my long hair at all when I'm doing my revision. I'd like to keep it moderately short and fresh. Easier for outward diffusion of stress, you know.

Donated blood again last Thursday, saved three lives last time round around May and hoped to continue helping. Pretty glad with my health performance for year of 2011, with regular home workout ( tummy is hereby officially postponed for another year ), and weekly swimming ( and not jogging because the last time I did during end of Winter resulted in me having headache for 1 whole day ) and also very healthy meals. With fruit intake almost everyday and vege for at least one meal a day, to top it off I usually conclude the day with green tea after dinner, for three quater of the time.

Blizzcon took place yesterday, announce a new Kung Fu Panda expansion...excuse me, a new World of Warcraft expansion, a new cinematics for Diablo 3 and a very awesome teaser for Starcraft 2 : Heart of the Swarm which gave me intense nerd-boner excitement and anticipation for the game.

This year's happy meter - 82/100

Well, at least I think I'm happy, or rather every time I prompt that question to myself I'd always have "I think there's hardly anything too bad?" as my answer which is good, I guess. Cheers.

You know, amidst of everything happening around me, sometimes I really just want to zone out, pause the time and do nothing at all. I do wonder every now and then,

Why have I not met you yet?

...or had I?